The reality
of death
The philosopher
Lucius Annaeus Seneca (c 470 BC – 399 BC) wrote: ‘It takes the whole of life
to learn how to live, and--what will perhaps make you wonder more--it takes the
whole of life to learn how to die.’
We have to face the fact that death is an inevitable part of life. The
people in older times were aware of its nearness in a way that we do not,
partly because of the progress of technology and our increasing belief in
medicine. An example can be found in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles where the
commentary on the demise of William the Conqueror (William I of England) reads:
‘Alas how false and how unsteady is this middle-earth’s prosperity. He who was
before a powerful king and lord of many lands, had of all land only the measure
of seven feet; and he who was at times clothed with gold and gems, he lay then
covered over with earth.’
Later in English literature, William Shakespeare wrote (in Hamlet Act 3
Scene 1):
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have.
Socrates spoke of the inevitability that it experienced during life,
including death: ‘If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what
you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still
suffer because you can’t hold onto it forever. Your mind is your predicament.
It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life
and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that
reality.’
More recently,
another Greek writer, Arianne Huffington, commented: ‘Socrates used to say,
‘Practice death daily.’ The Romans used to carve ‘MM,’ memento mori – remember death
– onto statues and trees. And not because they were morbid, but because they
felt that life didn’t really make sense if we didn’t remember that we’re all
going to die.’
She
has also reminded us: ‘Those who practice philosophy in the right way are in training for
dying,” Socrates says in Plato’s Phaedo ,“and they
fear death least of all men.” In ancient Rome, the phrase “Memento Mori”—
“Remember Death — was carved on statues and trees. Or, as Michelangelo, put it:
“No thought exists in me which death has not carved with his chisel.’
Ephraim Radner tells of the Christian
message to keep the fact of death in the public consciousness: ‘[P]art of the
Christian vocation is to proclaim the reality of death itself. Nothing could be
more revelatory of contemporary forgetfulness – or faithfulness – than the
disappearance of this proclamation from Christian teachers and preachers as a
central part of the gospel they announce. The tradition of memento mori –“remember
that you must die” – was not merely a medieval invention. It stands as a
central scriptural focus (e.g. Ps. 39: 6; Luke 12: 20). For to proclaim death ,
at least in its central aspect of our existence, is to return to that form of
our being as creatures. To announce our creaturehood is to proclaim God.’[1]
The reluctance to face death
There is a reluctance for British
people in particular to talk about death as evidenced in a survey by the Dying
Matters Coalition. Although most of the respondents thought that death was less
of a taboo than it was twenty years ago, two-thirds of them were still not
comfortable talking about it.
Only 16 per cent had discussed with
loved ones where they would like to die, with only 18 per cent having talked
about the type of care and support they wanted at the end of their lives.
Revealingly, more people were scared
of dying in pain (83 per cent) than being told that they are dying (67 per
cent), dying alone (67 per cent) or dying in hospital (59 per cent). Two-thirds
of those responding agreed that the quality of life was more important than the
longevity.
Most people had used euphemisms as a
way of avoiding the words ‘death’ and ‘dying.’ The more common words were
‘passed away’ (57 per cent) followed by
‘deceased’ (23 per cent) and ‘kicked the bucket’ (20 per cent).[2] [3]
We cannot avoid death as it is the
last adventure of the living, even for those who consider themselves to have
lived a risk-free life. Benjamin Franklin reminds us that there are two
certainties in life: death and taxes. It may be that some people can avoid or
minimise their tax payments, but there is no one who can do the same with
dying. There is the headline of The Onion that ‘World Death Rate Holding Steady
at 100 Percent.’[4]
Joan Halifax summed it up correctly when she stated: ‘We’re all terminal.’
An older poet, James Shirley, wrote
the reminder in his poem ‘Death the Leveller’:
Death lays his icy hand on kings:
Sceptre and Crown
Must tumble down
And in dust be equal made
With the poor crooked scythe and
spade.
The experience is no discriminator between
the biological ages of people, as an English proverb states: ‘Death devours
lambs as well as sheep.’
Dr James Beattie issued a warning to
the medical establishment who want to prevent death at all cost and to the rest
of us by frankly stating that ‘Life is 100 per cent mortality and we need to
get used to that.’
The equalising factor of death
We think that
we can cheat death, especially as In the United Kingdom for example, there is a
decline in the number of people dying. It is due to the increase in life
expectancies (due to such factors as improved medical services and better
lifestyles), but scientists are sure that it is merely the delay in the
process.[5]
This confidence
in the medical system has resulted in researcher finding no evidence to support
a definitive upper age limit for death. The study team from McGill University
in Canada analysed the data from the USA, UK, France and Japan for every year
since 1968, and have concluded that, if such an age limit does exist, it has
not been reached or discovered.
This study has
been supported by statistics from the Office of National Statistics in the UK,
where the life expectancy at birth has increased by 13.1 weeks per year on
average since 1980 – 1982 for males and 9.5 weeks per year on average for
females in that country. The organisation states that maximum lifespans could
follow the same trend.
Interestingly,
an article in the magazine Nature in October 2016 concluded that the upper age
limit was about 115 years.[6]
There are all
sorts of reasons why life expectancy rates have halted and, in some cases,
declined. It could be social indicators such as education, employment and
working conditions.[7]
However, other health factors do come into play such being obese or overweight
as these increase the risk factors for conditions such as Type 2 diabetes,
strokes, heart attacks, kidney problems and cancer.
There can be
indicators that death is approaching:
·
Look
for two or more indicators of deteriorating health
Ø
Decreased
activity – performance status poor or deteriorating, with limited reversibility
(needs help with personal care, in bed or chair for 50 per cent of the day).
Ø
Two
or more unplanned hospital admissions in the past six months.
Ø
Weight
loss (>10%) over the past three to six months and/or body mass <20.
Ø
Persistent
troublesome symptoms despite optimal treatment of any underlying condition(s).
Ø
Lives
in a nursing home or NHS continuing care unit, or needs care to remain at home.
Ø
Person
requests supportive and palliative care, or treatment withdrawal.
·
Look
for clinical indicators of advanced conditions – dementia, frailty, cancer,
neurological, respiratory, heart, kidney and liver disease.
·
Do
they have co-morbidities (more than one life-threatening illness)?
·
Has
the burden of illness increased (physical, psychological, financial or other)?
Or do they require increasing social care support?
·
Ask
yourself the surprise questions:
Ø
Would
it be no surprise if they were to die in the next six to twelve months?
Ø
Would
it be a surprise if they were to live longer than six to twelve months?
There is a
morbid fear about death which can turn into a phobia termed thanatophobia, or
‘death anxiety.’ A survey in the UK found that 68 per cent of respondents fear
death, with 20 per cent stating that death scares them ‘a lot.’ It has to be
said that overall the people questioned do not want to live beyond the age of
90 years, although 27 per cent want to live forever.[8]
It can be seen
in the impact on such TV shows such as Doctor Who, where no-one dies and
stays dead, an alternative Eden where death does not enter the world. Steven
Moffat (at the helm of the show for many
seasons) has described his world without God (for he espouses an atheistic
outlook) as being where ‘wisdom and kindness will triumph. And love will always
come through in the end.’ It is an ironic position to take as atheistic
evolution depends on death in order to progress.
Joseph Hartropp
has commented on Steven Moffat’s stance by saying that ‘Jesus raised Lazarus
from the dead – but before he wept. It’s no small thing, but there’s a beauty,
honesty and wisdom in learning to face life’s pain.’ He concluded his article
by stating: ‘Christians should be all about hope. But like faith, hope isn’t
blind – it knows cost too. The best stories give us both. If we can’t grieve,
we can’t grow. If we never lose, we’ll never truly live.’[9]
However, a
survey undertaken among those who were terminally ill and those who were
awaiting execution in the United States has concluded: ‘In people’s
imagination, dying seems dreadful; however, these perceptions may not reflect
reality.’ The researchers commented: ‘Death is inevitable, but dread isn’t.’ Dr
Kurt Gray, one of the authors, stated that, when we imagine our emotions as we
approach death, the overwhelming ones are of sadness and terror. However, human
beings are amazingly adaptive, both physically and emotionally, and so we go
about our daily business, whether or not we are dying. Dr Gray commented: ‘In
our imagination, dying is lonely and meaningless, but the final blogs of
terminally ill patients and the last words of death row inmates are filled with
love, social connection, and meaning.’ These positive emotions only intensified
as death approached. As the survey did not include the older generation who
tend to focus increasingly on the positive as they age, the positive emotions
could be stronger.[10]
The Dying
Matters Coalition published the document You Only Die Once, which
contained the result of a survey of over 3,000 British adults.
The responses
indicated that more than eight out of ten British people (83 per cent) that
that we were a nation that was uneasy discussing the inevitable demise of our
bodies.
Over a third of
the respondents had written a will, whilst a similar proportion had registered
as organ donors.[11]
Approximately a half of those respondents with a partner (51 per cent) admitted
that they did not know the end of life wishes of the other person. In separate
research by NHS Blood and Transplant, only 31 per cent of families would agree
to organ donation going ahead if they were unaware of their loved one’s
decision.
Joe Levenson,
the Director of Communications at the Dying Matters Coalition, commented: ‘Most
people aren’t comfortable talking about dying. Talking about dying and death is
one of the last taboos in Britain. I guess we’re not very comfortable facing up
to our own mortality. We like to either pretend it’s never going to happen to
us or just find other things we’d rather talk about.
Talk about the
delaying of the inevitable has been the result of better living standards,
progress in public health and medical interventions that have prolonged lives.
He also stated:
‘Dying tends to happen behind closed doors, very often in hospitals, and that
combined with the British stiff upper lip make it really difficult for us to
talk about dying and also to come to terms with bereavement.’
Preparing
for death
Only 6 per cent
of the respondents had written down their funeral wishes or their preferences
about their future care. With power of attorney procedures in the UK being
available through the Office of the Public Guardian, it appears that few people
are prepared to utilise them.
In order to
have more control of the end of life, a living will could be considered. A
living will, or advance decision, is:
·
A
document that sets out a person’s wishes regarding health care and how they
want to be treated if they are seriously ill and unable to make their own
choices.
·
A
document that allows people to refuse treatment, even if it might lead to death,
and is legally binding.
·
A
document that has some advantages in that it helps medical staff and relatives
take difficult decisions, but it can be difficult for a healthy person to fully
imagine what they would really want in those circumstances.
·
A
document that is best prepared with legal advice, whilst discussing the matter
with a healthcare professional who knows your medical history. The outcome
should then be shared will all those involved in your care.
·
A
document that is signed and witnessed, including the statement “even if life is
at risk as a result,” to enable potentially life-sustaining treatment to be
refused.
It could be
helpful to approach the person facing death with their permission to talk about
the subject and ask, ‘are you alright with that?’[12] The following from Dying
Matters and the NHS National End of Life Care Programme could be good
guidelines:
·
Use
phrases that you are comfortable with in everyday conversations:
Ø
‘What’s
the main thing on your mind?’
Ø
‘What’s
your greatest concern?’
Ø
‘How
do you see the future?’
Ø
‘What’s
important to you?’
·
It
is useful to have a pack available that can give details on issues, such as
will writing, Lasting Power of Attorney, benefits and allowances, how to talk to
children and families about death.
·
If
you feel that you do not have the time or skills to discuss in detail, you can
reschedule – try saying ‘sounds like we should make time to talk about that
properly’ or ‘I’ll find out who can help you with that.’
·
Sometimes
people are not ready to talk about their end of life, but you will not know
unless you ask – at least they will know you will be there to talk with them
when they are ready.
·
Things
are not set in stone – discussing the future and end of life is an ongoing
conversation which can be revisited.
Taking time to
listen and paying attention to non-verbal cues will help you to pick up on how
much or little a person wants and can handle. Information and advice is more
likely to be both heard and absorbed if it:
·
Is
delivered in manageable chunks
·
Is
tailored to the needs of the individual person
·
Allows
any resultant concerns and feelings to be acknowledged
One of the
results of not writing a will can be family arguments as to the chattels of the
person who has died, which was the experience of one in three respondents (32
per cent) to the survey. In 2013, the Ministry of Justice in the UK stated that
52 per cent of adults do not have a Will written up, which resulted in 40,000
people dying in England and Wales dying without one. Mr Levenson continued: ‘If
people aren’t making their wishes known, not only will they not be able to have
their final days, weeks, or months as they would want, but they could be
storing up problems for those close to them after they’ve died. The legacy of
that can last for years.’
This situation
was illustrated by the death of the comedian Rik Mayall, who was among the
large cast of wealthy public figures or celebrities who have died intestate,
without drawing up a Will. In the case of Mr Mayall, he did not do so because,
possibly, he felt that he was too young to do so as he did not intend to die.
It has
implications for any children under the age of 18 years who are left behind. It
is estimated that 24,000 children are bereft of a parent every year in the UK, and
it is shown that a half of these are unlikely to have a legal guardian
appointed, as the parents neglected to draft a Will. (Please see below in the
appendix as to tips on choosing a guardian.) The result could be that those
children are placed in foster care.[13]
Claire Henry,
the Chief Executive of the Dying Matters Coalition, expressed her thoughts:
‘talking more openly about dying and planning ahead is in everyone’s interests,
as it can help ensure we can get our wishes met and make it easier for our loved
ones. You only die once, which is why it’s so important to make your wishes
known whilst there’s still time.’
Surveys have
consistently shown that the majority of people want to die at home.
Unfortunately, the situation is that the most common place to die is in
hospital (where over half of the deaths occurred) with most of the rest
occurring in a care home or hospice.
An example is
that the Office of National Statistics in the UK reported that in 2012, there
were 225,724 deaths in hospital; 102, 617 at home; 98,135 in care homes; 26,525
in hospices; and 9,592 in other places. The term ‘other places’ include
prisons, mental health services, a private address that is not the individual’s
home, or in a public place.
The process
of death
The actual
causes of death globally are as follows:[14]
Cardiovascular
diseases – 32.3%
Cancers – 16.3%
Respiratory
diseases – 6.5%
Diabetes – 5.8%
Lower
respiratory infections – 4.4%
Dementia – 4.4%
Neonatal deaths
( death of a baby before 28 days) – 3.2%
Diarrhoeal
diseases – 3%
Road injuries –
2.5%
Liver disease –
2.3%
Most of the
fear is because the process is not understood. A person is considered to be
dead if they do not respond stimuli or pain, are not breathing, have no pulse,
and their pupils will appear to be fixed and dilated. The changes after then
are best understood in terms of time frames: within the first hour, between
second and sixth hours, between seventh and twelfth hours, and after twelve
hours.
At the moment
of death, the muscles will relax, which may cause the jaw to fall open and the
eyelids to relax. The skin may sag and the joints could become flexible. As the
heart stops working, the blood flow will cease. The body temperature will drop
to 2°C and afterwards to 1°C.
In the next
stage, some parts of the body will seem to have turned purple. After the
initial stiffening of the muscles (rigor mortis), they will again be relaxed.
The secular
attitude to death
There is an
increasing demand for civil or humanist celebrants to conduct funerals (the
difference being that the former include religious elements into the ceremony,
such as prayers, prayers and references to God or other deities, whereas the
others do not). In part, it is due to the increase of ‘nones’ in our society.
It can be observed in the words of Martin Hägglund, the young Swedish-born and
American-living philosopher, who is clear that his philosophy is not about
overcoming the anxiety surrounding death, which was often the aim of philosophy
since the Ancients, ‘but owning that anxiety and seeing how it is intrinsic to
anything that matters and your ability to ask yourself what’s worth doing with
your life.’
Hägglund
asserts that secular faith is not about embracing death but affirming mortal
life: ‘There are no guarantees that life won’t be shattering. But a life
wouldn’t be what it is without that vulnerability attached to it.’[15]
It is similar
to the expressions made by the atheist philosopher Bertrand Russell in his
essay ‘A Free Man’s Worship’: ‘The life of man is a long march through the
night, surrounded by invisible foes, tortured by weariness and pain, towards a
goal that few can hope to reach, and where none may tarry long.’
The
Christian attitude to death
It is contrast
to the affirming words that come from a Christian perspective, that says that
it is not all about us. It is interesting to hear the words of Rob Moll, a
former editor at Christianity Today, who was killed in an accident at
the age of 41 years:[16]
‘I will one day
die. What should I think of that, and how should I prepare myself? And how
could I help someone near death if I haven’t spent time considering my own
mortality?’
‘While dying
well is often a matter of living well, to live well we must come to grips with
our death. It is difficult, but it can also be invigorating. “It is only by
facing and accepting the reality of my coming death that I can be authentically
alive,” says the Orthodox bishop
Kallistos Ware.’
‘We avoid death
or even fear it because death is an evil, the horrible rending of a person from
her body, from loved ones, from the ability to be fully in God’s image. “Death
is not part of God’s primary purpose for creation,” writes Ware. “He created us
not in order that we should die, but in order that we should live.” Jesus wept
at Lazarus’s death. The apostle Paul called death the last enemy. Death is
indeed evil.’
‘Yet death is also
a mercy: it is the final affliction of life’s miseries. It is the entrance to
life with God. Life’s passing can be a beautiful gift of God. This riddle of
death’s evil and its blessing is not difficult to solve. We enact it every Good
Friday as we recall the evil of Christ’s death to be followed on Easter Sunday
with the joy of his resurrection. We do not rejoice in Christ’s death or
Judas’s betrayal. Yet there is no evil so great that God cannot bring joy and
goodness from it. That is why death deserves our attention in life. Because we
instinctively want to avoid it, to turn our face away, it is good to look death
in the eye and constantly remind ourselves that our hope is in God, who
defeated death…’
‘[As] St. Isaac
the Syrian instructed, “Prepare your heart for your departure. If you are wise,
you will expect it every hour…And when the time of departure comes, go joyfully
to meet it, saying, ‘come in peace, I knew you would come, and I have not
neglected anything that could help me on the journey’.”’
When we are
facing death, it concentrates our thoughts. It is as the theologian Ephraim
Radner states: ‘Death marks the place where the complexities of our ongoing
mechanisms of life generation are shown in their miraculous purity and
vulnerable givenness. If we look at the way we live our lives – sexuality,
work, food, relations – we necessarily come face to face with our deaths. This
is not simply because death is the flip side of life, but because death is the
fleeting vantage from which we see life as it is.’[17]
Steve Jobs was
candid when he stated: ‘Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most
important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
‘Almost
everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or
failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what
is truly important.
‘Remembering
that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking
you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to
follow your heart.
‘No one wants
to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there.
And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and
that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best
invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way
for the new.’
Senator Paul
Tsongas decided not to run for re-election because he had been diagnosed with
cancer. A friend of his wrote in a letter: ‘No man ever said on his deathbed I
wish I had spent more time in the office.’
Another
technological giant, Kai-Fu Lee, was instrumental in the development of
artificial intelligence and was a self-confessed workaholic, nearly missing the
birth of his daughter because of a presentation at Apple. His life and
priorities changed when he was diagnosed with having stage 4 lymphoma. He
wrote: ‘I came to see how foolish it was to base my self-worth entirely on my
accomplishments at work. Like so many people forced to suddenly face their own mortality, I was filled not
just with fear but with a deep, soul-aching regret over the way I had lived my
life.’
It can come to
us at any age as illustrated by Jim Croce, an up and coming singer/songwriter
who was missing his young son growing up as he was away on the road for much of
the time. He wrote the song, ‘Time in a Bottle,’ in 1972 to express his
thoughts:
If I could
save time in a bottle
The first
thing that I’d like to do
Is to save
every day till eternity passes away
Just to
spend them with you.
There never
seems to be
To do the
things you want to
Once you
find them.
Tragically, Jim
never spent extra time with his one year-old son as Jim died in a plane crash
on 21 September 1973, aged 30 years-old.
Baroness Tessa
Jowell, in a parliamentary debate in the House of Lords on 25 January 2018,
spoke of her cancer and the fact that she was approaching death. In the
concluding words in her speech were: ‘In the end, what gives a life meaning is
not only how it is lived, but how it draws to a close.’
In her work
with dying people, Bronnie Ware has found that there have been overwhelming
regrets that the dying person has had. They are:[18]
·
I
wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected
of me.
·
I
wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
·
I
wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
·
I
wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.
·
I
wish that I had let myself be happier.
Death provides
clarity to our thoughts and actions. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross called death the key
to the door of life. She wrote: ‘It is through accepting the finiteness of our
individual existences that we are enabled to find the strength and courage to
reject those extrinsic roles and expectations and devote each day of our lives
– however long they may be – to growing as fully as we are able.’ She
continued: ‘It is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people
living empty, purposeless lives; for when you live as if you’ll forever, it
becomes too easy to postpone the things you know that you must do.’[19]
Professor Mark
McDermott concurs: ‘So the next time you face a haunting reminder of your
death, remember that focussing on what you would want to leave behind could
help you turn something terrifying into a positive motivational tool.’[20]
We are reminded
that, while we live in time, we also live in eternity – there is preparation
that is required in leaving the present but also as we enter the hereafter. The
writer to the Hebrews tells us that ‘man is destined to die once, and after
that face judgement.’ (Hebrews 9: 27) However, the relationship that commences
with God now will continue as the author gives us the example, among many, of
Abraham: ‘For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose
architect and builder is God.’ (Hebrews 11: 10)
Our witness to
others when we go to meet our Father will be glorifying Him through the
arranging of our material affairs, showing that we have been good stewards to
the end.
Suggested
books:
‘Gravetalk – a
café space to talk about death, dying and funerals’ (Church of England)
‘Living with
Loss’ (SGM Lifewords)
‘Supporting
people with disabilities coping with grief and loss – an easy to read booklet’
(SCOPE)
‘When someone
dies – a practical guide’ (CARE)
Sue Black: ‘All
that remains’ (Random House)
Wendy Bray –
‘The Path Not Chosen’ (CWR)
Wendy Bray and
Diana Priest – ‘Insight into Bereavement’ (CWR)
Malcolm and
Nick Cameron – ‘It’s OK to cry: finding hope when struggling with infertility
and miscarriage’ (Christian Focus)
Fiona Castle –
‘Rainbow through the rain – an anthology of hope’ (Hodder and Stoughton)
Fiona Castle
with Jan Greenough – ‘No flowers – just lots of joy’ (Kingsway)
Billy Graham –
‘Nearing Home: Life, Faith and Finishing Well’ (Thomas Nelson Inc.)
Karen Holford –
‘The Loneliest Grief – a spiritual odyssey that began with miscarriage’ (Autumn
House)
C S Lewis – ‘A Grief
Observed’
C S Lewis –
‘The Problem of Pain’
Deborah Lipsky
– ‘How people with autism grieve, and how to help’ (Jessica Kingsley publications)
Sue Mayfield –
‘First Steps Through Bereavement’ (Lion Hudson)
Marina
Oppenheimer LMHF – ‘Bereavement Support Groups – a Guide for Professionals and
Laymen’
Maureen Rank –
‘Free to grieve’ (Bethany House Publishers)
Gerald L
Sittser – ‘A grace disguised – how the soul grows through loss’ (Zondervan)
Beth Spring –
‘Childless: the hurt and the hope’ (Lion)
Ann Webber –
‘Life Later On: Older People and the Church’ (Triangle)
Elle Wright –
‘Ask Me His Name’ (Bonnier Books)
John Wyatt – ‘Matters
of Life and Death: Human dilemmas in the light of the Christian faith’
(InterVarsity Press)
Suggested
Children’s Books:
Christian
Eric and Alex
Barber – ‘Is Daddy coming back in a minute?’ (Elke Barber)
Eric and Alex
Barber – ‘What happened to Daddy’s body?’ (Elke Barber)
Richard
Littledale – ‘Postcards from the land of Grief’
Kathleen Long
Bostrom – ‘The Day Scooter Died’
Bill Merrington
– ‘Alice’s Dad’
Bill Merrington
– ‘Deaths, Funerals and Heaven: Guidance for Young People’
Bill Merrington
– ‘The Hideaway’
Bill Merrington
– ‘When someone dies: 101 days to help you cope (a child’s guide)’
Lauren Smith –
‘Goodbye to Goodbyes’ (Good Book Company)
General:
Sarah Bowan –
‘Laura’s Granny: explaining death to children’
Jess Brallier –
‘Tess’s Tree’
Wolf Erlbruch –
‘Duck, Death and the Tulip’
Debi Gliori –
‘No Matter What’
Karia Helbert –
‘Finding your own way to grieve – A creative work book for kids and teens on
the autistic spectrum’ (Jessica Kingsley Publications)
Frances Hodgson
Burnett – ‘The Secret Garden’
Margaret M
Holmes – ‘A Terrible Thing Happened’
Patrice Karst –
‘The Invisible String’
Judith Kerr –
‘Goodbye Mog’
Linda Kranz –
‘Only One You’
Laura Krasny
Brown – ‘When Dinosaurs Die’
Kerry Lee
Maclean – ‘Peaceful Piggy Meditation’
Michelle
Magorian – ‘Goodnight Mister Tom’
Bryan Mellonie
– ‘Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children’
Patrick Ness –
‘A Monster Calls’
Katherine
Pearson – ‘Bridge to Terabithia’
Fred
Rogers – ‘Dear Mr. Rogers, Does It Ever Rain in Your Neighbourhood? Letters to
Mr. Rogers’
Michael
Rosen – ‘Michael Rosen’s Sad Book’
Dr
Seuss – ‘My Many Coloured Days’
Doris Smith –
‘A Taste of Blackberries’
Rachel Smith –
‘Who will cut the grass?’ (Cancer Focus Northern Ireland)
Rachel Smith –
‘Who will do my hair?’ (Ulster Cancer Foundation)
Cornelia Maude
Spelman – ‘When I Feel Sad’
Doris Stickney
– ‘Waterbugs and Dragonflies’
Susan Varley –
‘Badger’s Parting Gifts’
Melanie Watt –
‘Scaredy Squirrel’
E B White – ‘Charlotte’s Web’
Margery
Williams – ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’
Appendix –
Choosing a Guardian
1.
Its’s
up to you! You should
prayerfully make the decision that you feel will be best for your family.
2.
Make
a list of all the
people you know and who you would trust to care for your children. This is
likely to include family members but you can also consider close friends and
others with whom you and your children have a special relationship.
3.
It’s
not all about the money.
Don’t disregard anyone because you don’t think they have adequate financial
resources to care for your children. You can make financial provision for your
children in your will and certain benefits may also be available to assist the
guardians financially. What is most important are the values and philosophies
of your intended guardians: do they share your Christian faith and beliefs on
social, moral and educational values, and how to raise and discipline children?
4.
Consider
practicalities. Where
do the prospective guardians live? This will affect your children’s contact
with other family and close friends. Do older candidates have the necessary
health and stamina? Do they really want to be parents of a young child at their
stage of life? And what about when they and the child are older still? If you
are considering someone younger, are they prepared for a lifelong commitment to
your children?
5.
It’s
good to talk. If your
children are old enough, get their input. You also need to sit down and talk to
the prospective guardians to be certain that they are ready, willing and able
to take on the responsibility. Talk to your family and other people close to
you too, to let them know who you have appointed to act as guardians for your
children.
6.
Trust
your instincts. Most
likely, no one on your list will seem perfect. You need to decide what factors
are most important to you.
7.
It’s
not set in stone.
Review the terms of your will and your chosen guardians regularly.
8.
Keep
a note with your will
setting out the reasons why you chose your selected guardians. This may
alleviate any concerns that family members may have about how you made up your
mind.
It is always
recommended that you instruct a solicitor to make your will as they can advise
on the most appropriate wording. This need not be complex or expensive.
[1]
Ephraim Radner, A Time to Keep: Theology, Mortality, and the Shape of a
Human Life (Baylor University Press, Waco, Texas, 2016) p. 152
[3]
Quoted in Claire Carter, ‘Let the elderly die if their lives cannot be
improved, says doctor,’ Daily Telegraph, 1 August 2014
[4] The
Onion, ‘World Death Rate Holding Steady at 100 Percent,’ 22 January 1997, https://www.theonion.com/world-death-rate-holding-steady-at-100-percent-1819564171
[5]
Rachel Schraer, ‘Death in data: What happens at the end of life?’ BBC News, 17
May 2018, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44130143
[6]
All of these findings are cited in Sophie Gallagher, ‘Good News, There is No
Known Limit To How Long Humans Can Live For,’ Huffington Post UK, 29 June
2017, https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/no-known-limit-to-how-long-humans-can-live-for_uk_5954c835e4b05c37bb7c1c27?guccounter=1; see also Harriet Pavey, ‘Scientists have discovered a
person’s maximum life span,’ Evening Standard, 5 September 2017, https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/scientists-have-discovered-the-maximum-life-span-of-a-human-being-a3627586.html;
Amanda Ruggeri, ‘Do we really live longer than our ancestors?’ BBC, 3
October 2018, https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181002-how-long-did-ancient-people-live-life-span-versus-longevity
[7]
Nick Triggle, ‘Life expectancy rises ‘grinding to halt’ in England,’ BBC
News, 18 July 2017, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-40608256
; see also Dr Katherine Sleeman, ‘Why the world needs to get ready for more
people dying,’ BBC News, 2 March 2018, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-43159823
; Daniel Lattier, ‘The Myth of Life Expectancy,’ Intellectual Takeout, 6
September 2017, https://www.intellectualtakeout.org/article/myth-life-expectancy;
Alex Therrien, ‘Life expectancy progress in UK ‘stops for first time’,’ BBC
News, 25 September 2018, https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-45638646
[8]
Anna-Elizabeth Shakespeare, ‘British people tend to think they will die happy –
but 10% say they will end up in hell,’ YouGov, 2 September 2015 https://yougov.co.uk/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2015/09/02/1-10-british-people-hell
[9]
Joseph Hartropp, ‘Eternal life comes cheap: why does Doctor Who have a problem
with death?’ Christian Today, 5 July 2017, https://www.christiantoday.com/article/eternal.life.comes.cheap.why.does.doctor.who.have.a.problem.with.death/110429.htm
[10]
Amelia Goranson et al, ‘Dying is Unexpectedly Positive,’ Psychological
Journal, 1 June 2017, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0956797617701186
[11]
For a consideration of organ donation, see Joshua Harris, ‘Presumed consent for
organ donation short-circuits conversations about death,’ Christian Today,
12 December 2017, https://www.christiantoday.com/article/presumed.consent.for.organ.donation.short.circuits.conversations.about.deathexecute1/121246.htm
[12] A
useful tool is The Life Book produced by Age UK, where the person can include
important and useful information about their life. A copy can be obtained by
calling 0845 685 1061.
[13]
One in 29 children in the UK are bereaved of a parent or sibling by the time
they are 16 years-old, according to Grief Encounter, which offers support to
bereaved children and their families.
[14]
Cited in Hannah Ritchie, ‘What do people of the world die from?’ BBC News,
6 March 2019, https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-47371078
[15][15]
Gavin Jacobson, ‘What’s missing in the work of Richard Dawkins is social
justice,’ New Statesman, 27 November 2019, https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/religion/2019/11/what-s-missing-work-richard-dawkins-social-justice
[16]
Rob Moll, The Art of Dying (InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, Illinois,
2010)
[17]
Ephraim Radner, A Time to Keep (Baylor University Press, Waco, Texas,
2016), p.48
[18]
These regrets are expounded more fully at https://bronnieware.com
and her book: Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of Dying – A Life
Transformed by the Dearly Departed (Hay House, London, 2019)
[20]
Mark McDermott, ‘Why thinking about death is good for you.’ International
Business Times, 5 September 2017
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