As we draw
alongside people who are grieving, we must remember that people grieve in
different ways, including their reactions to various deaths, so the way that
they mourned the death of one loved one may not be the same as when they faced
the death of a person equally loved. We need the wisdom and compassion that
comes from God: ‘Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in
your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all
day long.’ (Psalm 24: 4 – 5)
Francis Bacon
set out helpfully the role we are take on as we walk with the bereaved person:
‘The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who
can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not
knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares.’
These
sentiments are echoed by Peter Sampson, who wrote: ‘The grieving person will
find a comfort in our honest helplessness that will never be found in slick
irrelevant platitudes. There is a strange but real fellowship in shared helplessness.’[1]
We are there to
provide support as it has been helpfully been stated that grief belongs to the
griever.[2] We cannot superimpose the
experiences that we have had onto that belonging to
other people, for there is
no template for grief.
It is important
that we help them to face their loss as we travel along the road with them –
‘mourn with those who mourn.’ (Romans 12: 15) It is also important that men
find those times to grieve, as men particularly in the United Kingdom are prone
to hide away their emotions, just as we are told that, after the first martyr
was killed, ‘godly men buried Stephen and mourned deeply for him’ (Acts 8: 2)
and that Jesus Himself grieved deeply at the death of His friend Lazarus. (John
11: 35)
The sense of
grief can be overwhelming, bewildering. C S Lewis, the great communicator,
said; ‘No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.’ It is because there
are several factors coming into action:
a.
Attachment
theory – our emotional needs had been met but the separation has now caused the
grieving person anxiety
b.
Conscious
impulse – we ascribe meanings to things so when a person goes, the meanings is
lost
c.
Psychosocial
transitions (which is a combination of the two factors above) – we build up
meanings of the things around us so the bereaved person is having to make new
meanings of the world
When the
bereaved person asks you for solutions to situations that they find themselves
in, it is important to guide them into making their own decisions by careful
questions that make them realise that they had the solution all along. James
also gives this advice: ‘If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who
gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.’
(James 1: 5)
Whilst it may
help some people to remain busy both mentally and physically during the initial
times of grief, there has to be time for the grieving process to take place.
Time of laughter are natural during this time as God gives us the moments of
release. However on all of these occasions, it is wise not to distract the
bereaved person from their times when they should be working through their
thoughts and emotions over the loss of a loved one.
The Bible
instructs us helpfully: ‘Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or
like vinegar poured on soda,’ is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.’
(Proverbs 25: 30) Sometimes, it needs wise heads that have not been involved to
come alongside (see Appendix).
There will be
times when things have to be done, but it is a matter of prudence and propriety
as to when actions have to be undertaken. ‘There is a proper time and procedure
for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.’ (Ecclesiastes
8: 6)
We should avoid
saying things that are likely to cause distress – talk about the positive
things about the deceased person (e.g. their love of gardening) and share
photos and memories if you have them. ‘A word aptly spoken is like apples of
gold in settings of silver.’ (Psalm 25: 11)
There are
things that we can do;
·
Do
something tangible and simple – it could be something like cooking a simple
meal for them, putting out the bins, washing clothes, cleaning the house, collecting
the children from school/club, even answering the phone, etc.
·
Be
slow to compare – you will never be in their shoes: regardless of how similar
your circumstances were, their journey is unique and you will never fully
understand their emotions and circumstances.
·
Do
not have expectations for their grief – they will go through a maelstrom of
emotions, so all they want from you is understanding. They do not need
agreement as it may not always be wise to agree with everything they do, say or
think.
·
Let
the God-talk come from them, not you – grief will often make us feel small and
helpless so we attempt to bring God into the conversation. However, the person
may be angry at God, be confused with Him, or carry long-term spiritual baggage
so it will not be appropriate. It would be more apt to demonstrate the love and
compassion of God and, when the person wants to talk about God, you will be
there to converse with them.
In the United
Kingdom, it can be upsetting for grieving people to receive mail for the
deceased person. The Bereavement Register can help by eliminating or at least
reducing the amount of the direct mail received. If you register the name and
address of the deceased person at www.the-bereavement-register.org.uk, their details are removed from mailing
lists.
However, it is important to recognise that we are
not there to fix all that lies before them. The decisions and implementations
must belong to the grieving person, although you can assist in providing
possible alternatives and then help them in achieving the objective. For
example, it is important not to say whether a person needs any general support,
but to offer to do a task (such as ironing), which can be quantified. It will
then be up to the bereaved person whether or not they accept your offer. It is
important to remember that we will not know what precisely what they require or
the issues that they are facing.
It could be
that the best thing we can do is to sit down and listen to the bereaved person
without distraction. One of the biggest concerns that the bereaved people feels
is that of feeling lonely. The need to keep in contact is important whether it
is calling around or on the phone, or by writing such as by text , e-mail or
letter. However, the contact must not be intrusive but proportionate, which
will be led by the bereaved person as to the frequency.
There is also
the necessity to be aware of anniversaries (such as the date of death,
birthdays and weddings) as well as festivals (such as Christmas). It is often
the situation that people will remember the first year’s memorable dates, but
it is the second year that people tend not to remember.
It is
impossible to walk in the other person’s shoes. We vary even if the same people
experience the loss of the same person and we can even have different
emotions when we lose different people
to death although we may love them equally.
We are there to
help the grieving person on their way to finding a ‘new normal’ – not the
situation that they would have chosen, but one in which they have lost a dear
person and have to have new hopes and dreams. Our role is to ‘encourage one
another and build each other up.’ (1 Thessalonians 5: 11) In her book Mended: thoughts on Life, Love, and Leaps
of Faith, Anna White described the journey for her: It is the capacity to
feeling consuming grief and pain and despair that also allows me to embrace
love and joy and beauty with my whole heart. I must let it in!’
We are not to
be crutches for those people who are bereaved, but to enable them to proceed on
their journey.
There is a
useful Care for the Family course for churches who are seeking to walk with
people along their bereavement journey. Details can be found at https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/bereavement-support/supporting-bereaved-people/bereavement-care-awareness-for-churches
Appendix
From the depths
of an old internet community comes this incredible gem of a story:
Someone on
reddit wrote the following:
“My friend
just died. I don’t know what to do.”
A lot of
people responded. Then there’s one old guy’s incredible comment that stood out
from the rest that might just change the way we approach life and death.
“Alright, here
goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of
people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends,
acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors,
students, neighbours, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I
can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
“I wish I could
say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole
through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I
don’t want it to “not matter.” I don’t want it to be something that just
passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had
for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.
Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and
be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue
to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was.
Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
“As for grief,
you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning,
with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the
beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. All you can do
is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and hang onto it for a while.
Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph.
Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float.
Stay alive.
“In the
beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They
come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All
you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months,
you’ll still find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further
apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in
between you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to
trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the
smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes
crushing. But in between waves, there is life.
“Somewhere down
the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that waves are only 80
feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart.
You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing
at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And
when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out on the
other side. Soaking wet, spluttering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of
the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
“Take
it come from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t
want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will
come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars
from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”
[1]
Peter Sampson, The Courage to Hope (Scripture Union, 1987)
[2][2][2]
‘How to help a grieving friend: 11 things to do when you’re not sure what to
do,’ 25 November 2013, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html
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