The words of
James can equally be applicable to the home setting as to any other environment:
‘What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires
that battle within you?’ (James 4: 1) It could be said that it is harder to
relate to those who are connected to you either by marriage or by genetics.
It is
reminiscent of the Japanese man who finally broke the silence between himself
and his wife that had existed for twenty years. The source of the silence was that
their children, whilst they were growing up, took up much of his wife’s time
and he was jealous of the situation The result was that he shut up shop and let
the unresolved bitterness and anger fester so it resulted in bitterness in
their relationship. Although his wife would attempt to break through the wall
on a regular basis, he was resolute that he would not respond. However, after
two decades and with their children being young adults, he turned to her and
said, ‘Somehow it’s been quite a while since we talked…I hope that we can work
together from here.’
Even in
marriages, we can be jealous of what our partners have – whether it be talents,
opportunities, backgrounds, education, or any other category. Instead of being
an opportunity to celebrate who the other person is, we can often use it as a
chance to build up walls cemented by our own insecurities and that the sledgehammer
of celebration of the other would not beak through. It could be that we are
seeking to seek our own ‘pleasure’ (James 4: 2 – 3), which could be indulging
in our own pity party.
The
unwillingness to forgive will result in a blockage between a person and their
spouse on both an emotional and physical level. The idea that we can shut up
shop on our spouse or partner is not a far-fetched one, with the separation in
the bed leading to living in different rooms or even in different and
unconnected lives. The Gottman Institute commented: ‘The capacity to seek and
grant forgiveness is one of the most significant factors contributing to
marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love.’ There can be all the usual
activities on the outside – all the household chores being undertaken, all the
holidays taken together, the children raised together – but the lack of
forgiveness will result in the marriage relationship being superficial and the
couple will not deepen their intimacy together.
I remember the
example being given of a man coming to a pastor for advice regarding his
marriage. He claimed that he did not love his wife. The pastor reminded the man
that the Bible commands us to love our neighbours and also to, which the man
said that he did. The pastor then went on to remind the man that the Bible
calls us to love our enemies, which the man conceded that was indeed the command.
The point was that if we are commanded to love these two categories, it should
be surely easier to love our husbands and wives. It can be observed that, in
some marriages where the road is particularly rocky, the situation may
constitute obeying the last command to love our enemies and move backwards from
there.
If there is no
other reason to activate forgiveness in our families, there is always the one
of self-preservation. There is the usual risks of not forgiving others that we
can observe in different situations to cardiovascular and stroke occurrences,
resulting possibly in death, as a result of anger. However, there is also the
additional factor as we are informed that continued heated rows among married
couples and depression can cause a risk for obesity (‘How arguing with your
spouse could make you fat,’ www.dailymail.co.uk, 22 October 2014). The researchers from
Ohio State University discovered that men and women with a history of
depression burned up fewer calories after a meal so the result was that there
was an increase in weight after an argument.
The same
article featured research in the Daily Mail from the University of Utah
that revealed that arguing with your spouse could also be bad for your heart.
People who think that their partner is unsupportive are more likely to develop
heart disease. Those people who were upset are likely to develop higher levels
of artery calcification, which could result in greater risk of premature death.
In the journal Social
Personality and Psychological Science, anger between couples are deprived
of deep or ‘restorative’ sleep, which is the strongest source of safety and
security. It can often be observed in the tossing and turning at night when
there has been an argument between spouses, resulting in an inability to have
any sleep at all. It is perceptive advice that Paul gives in saying ‘Do not let
the sun go down while you are still angry.’ (Ephesians 4: 26) The ability of having
this deep or ‘restorative’ of sleep is that it produces lower anxiety and
arousal to threats,[1]
which can be demonstrated in that so often heated arguments before bedtime can
be replayed in our minds so preventing sleep and the same arguments can be
carried forward to the next morning. There are also physical benefits in having
this ‘restorative’ sleep in that our bodies have an opportunity to replenish
themselves (for example, the liver can undertake cleansing of the blood supply)
so a lack of sleep can be physically as well as mentally and emotionally
draining.
There has to be
a caveat as it has to be acknowledged that there are some instances where
forgiveness is impossible such as where there is abuse (regardless of its
manifestation, such as physical, mental, financial, emotional) or sexual
unfaithfulness. Regardless of how sorry the perpetrator may express themselves,
it might be best if there is separateness, either temporary or permanent
depending on the circumstances.
Apart from
these circumstances, forgiveness can be immediate or, if improvement in
behaviour is required, over a period of time. In The Purpose Driven Life,
Rick Warren has written: ‘Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to
do with future behaviour. Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a
person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track
record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive
them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are
not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you.’
Rob Parsons has
recommended the following checklist:[2]
·
Don’t
be too proud to be the first to give in
·
Tell
each other how you feel
·
Winning
isn’t everything, particularly if you’re the one who is always good with words
– because the other person will still be bitter. Back off a little and hear
what the other is saying.
There is the
additional point of being prepared to forgive each other; but also, more
importantly, be reconciled to one another. There should not be any gap for any
other person or the devil to get in.
Our apology
must be unconditional without any conditions. Where there are footnotes to any offer
of forgiveness, it will continue to fester in the mind of the one who is being forgiven.
The Christian application is one of grace, that is without any hoops to jump
through, no ‘ifs, buts or maybe’s . When we start imposing our conditions, it
is no longer grace but an imposition, a showing that the other person has
control over the other, which is not a good sign in any relationship.
In the midst of
what can be difficult or trying situations, there can be humour in the
situation as God wants us to see the light where times of darkness or shadows
can prevail. It is illustrated by a grandmother who, on her golden wedding
anniversary, revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. She explained,
‘On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband’s faults, which I
would overlook for the sake of our marriage.’ A guest then proceeded to ask her
to name some of the faults. ‘To tell you the truth,’ the grandmother replied,
‘I never did get around to listing them; but, whenever my husband did something
that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, “Lucky for him that’s one of
the ten”.’
The Bible
instructs us to control our anger. As we have seen before, Paul wrote: ‘”In your anger do not sin,”
[quoting Psalm 4: 4]. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and
do not give the devil a foothold.’ (Ephesians 4: 26 – 27). In the Old
Testament, it states: ‘Refrain from anger and turn from wrath.’ (Psalm 37: 8)
and ‘Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of
fools.’ (Ecclesiastes 7: 9) James reminds us: ‘Everyone should be quick to
listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.’ (James 1: 19)
It has to be
acknowledged that marriage is made of two imperfect people with their individual
faults, bad habits and undesirable qualities, to be joined in union for the
rest of their lives. There will be plenty of opportunity to practice grace, and
even then we will not get it perfect. When we look past the faults of our
spouse, just as they look past ours, there will be room for encouragement so
that both of you, as a couple and as individuals, will develop to be the people
that God wants you to be.
[1]
‘The scientific reason you should never go to bed on an argument,’ Huffington
Post UK, 18 August 2016
[2][2]
Rob Parsons, ‘Resolve the flack before you hit the sack,’ https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/marriage-support/resolve-the-flack
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