Introduction
When we have to
reach a decision about a situation where we have been thwarted in our ambition
or been offended by another person, we have a choice between being angry or
demonstrating forgiveness followed by reconciliation. Instead of being haughty
with self-importance, we should show humility before men and before God.
It is
impossible to cover these topics in any great depth in such a short article, so it is acknowledged that other publications
(whether books, magazines or online) will cover different aspects with more
breadth.[1]
Anger from
the Start of Time.
Modern
psychologist Paul Ekman has identified six primary emotions: anger, disgust,
fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. All the other emotions are secondary,
that is they are expressions of a primary emotion in their deepest roots. An example that is
given is that the emotion of shame could emanate from the experience of fear.
The first
instance that we find in the Bible is the murder of Abel by Cain caused by
anger (Genesis chapter 4) and the examples can be found rolling down the annals
of history. A modern example is the band Oasis who had a hit with the song
‘Don’t Look Back in anger’ and yet the Gallagher brothers (Liam and Noel) had
anger issues, especially with each other.
None of us are immune
from the onslaught of anger as it is an irrevocable sign that we are fallen
creatures. Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote in The Gulag Archipelago, ‘ If
only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it
were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But
the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.
And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?’
In building
upon this, John Gottman has described the ‘anger iceberg,’ where anger is only
part of the experience; indeed, the anger could be just a partial manifestation
of unvoiced or even unnoticed emotions. Where anger is often the evident sign,
the other emotions lurking under the surface may include: embarrassment, fear,
grief, sham, being overwhelmed, frustration, depression, disgust, distrust,
grumpy, stress, under attack, rejection, feeling helpless, guilt, feeling
trapped, nervousness, anxiety, trauma, annoyance, exhaustion, feeling
disrespected, feeling unsure, envy, disappointment, loneliness, feeling
offended, feeling uncomfortable, worry, insecurity, regret, and feeling hurt.
It could be
argued that anger is not the primary emotion for God and it was not intended to
be for mankind either. Anger as a predominant emotion was the result of the
Fall as Dr Stephen E Diamond has expressed anger as ‘an appropriate, natural
and healthy response to frustration, injury, insult, and anything that
threatens one’s survival or psychological integrity.’ Without sin, there would
be no frustration, injury (whether emotional, mental or
physical), or a threat
to survival or personal integrity.
We need to be
able to pinpoint the definition of this malice. In a helpful analysis, Neil
Clark Warren has defined anger as ‘a physical arousal. It’s a state of
readiness; in other words, when we’re angry, we’re prepared to act.’ Although
anger can be used in a positive way in order to stimulate us into doing good,
more often than not it is a devastating and negative response which can even
lead to death when taken to extremes.
Andrew Wommack
has summed it up in these words: ‘The reason we are so easily hurt or offended
is that we are still alive to self and full of pride.’[2] It often manifested in an
antagonistic and destructive manner. There are heroes that we look to (for
example, in the modern era, people like Martin Luther King Jr or Mahatma
Gandhi) who were angry in their hearts at the injustice that they saw around
them, but then channelled that anger in a positive way to achieve goals that
would been out of reach had they chosen to be more confrontational.
It has,
unfortunately, become so normalised to express anger in an irrational and
destructive manner in this day and age as the definition by the American
Psychological Association proves: ‘Anger is a completely normal, usually
healthy, human emotion.’ For although this definition is an accurate one, there
are many who would take it on face value to vent their anger on others without
moving to a constructive dialogue in order to change people’s hearts and minds.
Anger
towards Others
At the funeral
of former U S President George H W Bush, former Senator Alan Simpson spoke the
powerful words: ‘Hatred corrodes the container that carries it.’
It is anger
that is uncontrolled and uncontrollable that is destructive to the person, the
family, the neighbourhood, the society and, in extreme cases, to the nation.
When the emotion runs beyond the reins, it knows no bounds, no civility and no
respectfulness of other people.
In his book
‘Christ Empowered Living’ (Broadman & Holman, 2001), Selwyn Hughes pointed
out that anger, frustration, resentment and irritation are the result of
blocked goals. He said, ‘Whenever a goal we foolishly believe we must meet to
feel good about ourselves is blocked, these emotions occur.’ It is in contrast
to what should happen, as he continued, ’Our problems can be resolved and
overcome only when we decide to put Christ where he belongs, at the centre.
Christ must be the master of our minds and he must be master of our wills.’
In short, there
are four broad causes that result in anger:[3]
Anger as
instinctive behaviour –
this cause gives us extra strength as adrenaline is released as we face
dangerous situations. We can then have the energy and courage to protect
ourselves and those that we love.
Anger as a
conditioned response –
it could be that we have learned or been conditioned to express anger from an
early age, with one of the earliest expressions being to throw a temper tantrum,
which can be particularly embarrassing for all concerned including the
onlookers. We could see anger as being a tool to manipulate people or for
getting our own way. The adult version of the temper tantrum is ‘the silent
treatment,’ where silence is used to demonstrate our anger either to get our
own way or to punish the other person, which is particularly harmful in
relationships especially marriages.
Anger as a
response to frustration
– which has already been explained above, where we feel as though we want
things to go our way so that our goals can be achieved.
Anger as a
response to hurt – this
is one of the most common manifestations, where we seek to take revenge. It can
be observed as being physical or psychological, the latter is where the weapons
of choice are the words that we use.
Our responses
to anger can either be aggressive or passive. The aggressive form sees us
explode with, for example, unjust and/or unfair criticism, sarcasm, ridicule,
gossip, humiliation, slander, bullying, damage, violence or murder. The passive
form sees us implode which can lead to depression and repression. Examples of
passive can include silence, irritation, jealousy, unforgiveness, resentment or
powerlessness.
In our
outbursts of anger, we are riding high on our horses of hypocrisy. We condemn
the actions and attitudes of the Pharisees in the New Testament, yet we are
prepared to be judgemental of others so treating them harshly whilst going easy
on our own transgressions.
All the hours
and minutes that we are angry, it is time that we will never be able to redeem.
I do not agree with Steven Pinker on many occasions, but he makes a valid point
when he writes: ‘Think, too, about why we sometimes remind ourselves that “life
is short.” It is an impetus to extend a gesture of affection to a loved one, to
bury the hatchet in a pointless dispute, to use time productively rather than
squander it. I would argue that nothing gives life more purpose than the
realisation that every moment of consciousness is a precious and fragile gift.’[4]
Medical
Manifestations
Medical
research shows that when we demonstrate negativity or have anger flashpoints, the
symptoms are dilated pupils, blood sugar rises, breathing rate increases so
that more oxygen can enter the lungs, adrenaline flows, muscles tighten, blood
clots faster, blood pressure rises, pressure on the arterial walls, and hearts
have increased pulses.
There is
distress on the muscular-skeletal system by an increase in forehead muscle
tension, which produces headaches, and with other symptoms such as stomach
aches, muscle and joint aches, dizziness and tiredness.
The glandular
system is also affected adversely as there are unproductive adrenaline rushes
for the fight or flight responses. When neither of these responses happen to
use this energy boost, it dissipates by agitating other body systems.
It also
depresses the ability of the immune system to ward off both acute and chronic
disease, which may (in the worst situations) result in medical intervention and
hospitalisation.
Digestion and
elimination also slows down. These physical signs are in preparation for fight
or flight, natural reactions to a situation in which we feel threatened.
More
specifically, the Harvard School of Public Health has ascertained that people
who lose their temper are almost five times more likely to have a heart attack
and more than three times more likely to suffer a stroke within two hours of
the outburst (‘Angry outbursts cause fivefold increase in heart attack risk,’ www.telegraph.co.uk, 4 March 2014; ‘Angry outbursts
‘risking heart attacks’,’ www.bbc.co.uk, 4 March 2014). The study published in
the European Heart Journal determined that the risk of cardiac arrest increases
dramatically among people with existing cardiac conditions who get angry many
times a day, although there is still a risk for those who get angry less often
and have better heart conditions.
The risk of
either a heart attack or stroke increased nearly five times (4.74 per cent) in
the two hours after a frustrated outburst. Meanwhile, the risk of stroke rose
more than three times (3.52 per cent) and the risk of ventricular arrythmia (a
potentially life-threatening irregular heartbeat) also increased.
The risk of a
person at low risk (low cardiovascular risk with a single outburst per month)
was one extra heart attack per 10,000 people per year compared to an extra four
per 10,000 people with a high cardiovascular risk.
Five episodes
of anger a day would result in approximately 158 extra heart attacks per 10,000
people with a low cardiovascular risk per year, increasing to approximately 657
extra heart attacks per 10,000 among those with a high cardiovascular risk.
Although anger
was not the sole contributor, it was certainly a contributing factor.
Dr Elizabeth
Mostofsky commented: ‘’Although the risk of experiencing an acute
cardiovascular event with any single outburst is relatively low, the risk can
accumulate for people for people with frequent episodes of anger.
‘For example, a
person without many risk factors for cardiovascular disease, who has only one
episode of anger per month, has a very small additional risk, but a person with
multiple risk factors or a history of heart attack or stroke, and who is
frequently angry, has a much higher absolute excess risk accumulated over
time.’
In addition,
researchers from the University of Copenhagen stated, in the Journal of
Epidemiology and Community Health, that having frequent arguments with partners
or relatives can increase the risk of death in middle age (‘Constant arguing
‘increases premature death risk’,’ www.bbc.co.uk, March 2014). The constant arguing
could increase a man or woman’s mortality risk by two or three times the normal
rate.
The categories
that were most vulnerable were men and those who were not in work. Men respond
to stressful situations with increased levels of cortisol, which may increase
their risk of adverse health outcomes. Men appeared to be particularly
vulnerable to the worries and demands generated by their female partners,
coupled with a higher risk of death than that normally associated with being a
man.
Being
unemployed is a stressful situation in any event so any negativity from
stressful social relationships would be an
additional detrimental to their health. Although it might seem easier to say
than to do, if a person finds a change in their employment status (such as
unemployment or enforced reduced hours), there should be every effort to reduce
tension with family and friends. This could be through talking the issues over
with trusted people over a coffee or going out for a walk, especially in
nature.
The closeness
of the familial environment may not help in those occasions of aggrievement and
anger. It has been ascertained that dealing with the worries and demands from
close family was also linked with the higher mortality by 50 – 100 per cent
from all causes.
These symptoms
demonstrate the ancient words of Solomon: ‘Hatred stirs up conflict, but love
covers over all wrongs.’ (Proverbs 10: 12)
Some
Biblical Insights
The Bible gives
these warnings regarding anger which give the blueprint on how God wants us to
live;
·
‘Do
not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.’
(Ecclesiastes 7: 9)
·
‘For
as churning cream produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so
stirring up anger produces strife.’ (Proverbs 30: 33)
It is
imperative that we challenge ourselves in our words above everything else:
·
‘Where
there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is
wise.’ (Proverbs 10: 19)
·
‘Through
patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.’
(Proverbs 25: 15)
·
‘The
one who gives an answer before he listens – this is foolishness and disgrace
for him.’ (Proverbs 18: 13)
·
‘Even
fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their
tongues.’ (Proverbs 17: 28)
We need to make
the choice not to overact in anger. We need to be judicious in our behaviour
for we are asked, ‘Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for
a fool than for you.’ (Proverbs 29: 20) We are also informed that ‘A hot-headed
man stirs up strife; but the slow to anger calms a dispute.’ (Proverbs 15: 18) The
Lord calls us to make positive choices: ‘This day I call Heaven and earth as
witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and
curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.’ (Deuteronomy
30: 19)
Our mindset
As a
consequence of the murder of sixteen Afghanistan civilians by a US soldier in
March 2012, David Brooks wrote that such terrible crimes should not surprise
us:
‘Even people
who contain reservoirs of compassion and neighbourliness also possess a latent
potential to commit murder.
‘David Buss of
the University of Texas asked his students if they ever thought seriously about
killing someone and, if so, to write out their homicidal fantasies in an essay.
He was astonished to find that 91 per cent of the men and 84 per cent of the
women had detailed, vivid homicidal fantasies. He was even more astonished to
learn how many steps some of his students had taken to carry them out.’
It has been calculated
that there are approximately 25,000 killings every year, There are 1,000
murders in the workplace and a million people are injured in the workplace
through violent attacks from co-workers.[5]
In the United
Kingdom, it has been calculated that:
·
45%
of people lose their temper at work.[6]
·
53%
of employees have been victims of bullying at work.
·
7%
of the UK workforce (1.3 million people) have been physically attacked by a
member of the public.[7] That figure could be
multiplied many times if verbal abuse were also included.
·
One
in eight people experience violence at work.[8]
·
33%
of Britons are not on speaking terms with their neighbours.
·
More
than 80% of drivers have been involved in road rage incidents.
·
25%
have committed an act of road rage themselves.
Ways to deal
with Anger
Pastor Adrian
Rogers has written: ‘When you are quick to get angry, you can lose so much –
your job, friends, children, wife, health, testimony – there is nothing more
debilitating to your Christian testimony than for you to fly off the handle.’
He offers the following
advice for when you experience anger building up inside:
·
Confess: Bring your anger and its root cause
(including worry and lack of faith) to God in order for His forgiveness and
healing to flow through you.
·
Consider: determine the reason why you are angry
and seek God’s provision to be free from it (Ephesians 4: 31). The Bible tells
us ‘It is to one’s honour to avoid strife.’ (Proverbs 20: 3) When we are full
of the Holy Spirit, there will be no room for anything else.
·
Control: ‘’Don’t sin by letting anger control
you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a
foothold to the devil.’ (Ephesians 4: 26 – 27) If we fail to heed this advice,
we will find that our relationship with God and with others will be affected. Instead,
we should be open to the power and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within us
who will provide us with all we need to ‘renew your thoughts and attitudes.’
(Ephesians 4: 23) There is the assurance that ‘My God will meet all your needs
according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.’ (Philippians 4: 19) Peter
also gave us this promise that we can overcome anger with the power of God:
‘His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness
through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.’ (2
Peter 1: 3)
When we are
angry, Ray Pritchard reminds us that there are seven things for us to consider
before we react:
·
You
may not know all the facts.
·
You
may speak too quickly.
·
You
may say too much.
·
You
may use the truth as a club to hurt others.
·
You
may say something you regret later.
·
You
may hurt innocent bystanders.
·
You
may reveal your own weaknesses.
Care for the
Family has also given twelve ways to deal with your anger, which is expanded
below:
·
Acknowledge
that you are angry. You should find time, even call a ‘time out, so that you
can work out what is causing your anger and the fix may not always be
instantaneous. Solomon gives the prudent advice that there is ‘time to be
silent and a time to speak.’ (Ecclesiastes 3: 7)
·
Work
out why you are angry – which type of anger are you experiencing? There should
be the focus on what you feel and need, without the provocative lashing out at
another person. It is a time to ask the Lord for insights with total honesty –
‘I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity.’ (1
Chronicles 29: 17)
·
Find
a safe outlet for your anger, such as talking it through with a trusted friend,
smashing bottles at a bottle bank, pace up and down, making bread, swimming –
work out your anger in the water, or buying a punchbag and using it!
·
Work
out what makes you angry or triggers your anger – a memory or something someone
has said or done that festers in your mind causing anger to erupt. ‘This is
what the Lord Almighty says, “Give careful thought to your ways”.’ (Haggai 1:
5)
·
Take
steps to deal with the cause; get help if needed.
·
Be
realistic – we all have angry moments. But if you find yourself continually
angry, then do consider getting help before it gets out of control. It is good
to sit down and think the matter through – ‘A wicked man puts up a bold front,
but an upright man gives thought to his ways.’ (Proverbs 21: 29)
·
Call
a friend if you think that you may ‘lose it’ with your children.
·
Set
boundaries to stop people taking advantage of you.
·
Remove
yourself from the situation if you think that you might cause harm to people or
property. It is important to breathe deeply as it will give you time to think
clearly about the next course of action. The volume of your voice makes a
difference for, although yelling may make you feel better, it is
counterproductive as it will make the other person angry too.
·
Try
anger management classes, assertive training or cognitive behaviour therapy.
·
Do
not let the sun set on your anger – try to make peace before the end of the
day.
·
Forgive
the person who has hurt you, or at least be willing to consider forgiving them.
Remember, forgiveness is designed to protect us from our own anger.
Being Angry
at God
There is
nothing wrong with being angry at or even with God – we are constantly told
that God is big enough to take all the raw emotions that are thrown at Him.
It is pointless
to pretend that we are feeling anything other when we come before God. We are
encouraged: ‘let us draw near to God with a sincere heart.’ (Hebrews 10: 22). C S Lewis commented: ‘Real forgiveness means
steadily looking at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse,
after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt,
meanness, and malice.’[9] We cannot fake it for ‘the
Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought.’ (1
Chronicles 28; 9)
In the Bible,
there are many examples of the writers bringing their honest opinions to Him.
Examples can be found in Habakkuk, Job and in the psalms. For example, Habakkuk
cried out: ‘How long, Lord, must I call for help, but You do not listen? Or cry
out to You, “Violence!” but You do not
save. Why do You make me look at injustice? Why do You tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife and conflict abounds.
Therefore, the law is paralysed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in
the righteous, so that justice is perverted.’ (Habakkuk 1: 2 – 4, cf.
Lamentations 3: 1 – 18)
In the psalms,
there are 48 personal laments and 16 corporate laments (making a total of 64).
There is trust that God has provided salvation in the past, but there is anger in
the present because life seems unfair (see Psalm 44) or because God seems
absent from our circumstances (see Psalm 10: 1, Psalm 77: 7 – 9). There is also
anger in the times when God does not reply at all (see Psalm 22: 3 – 8; Psalm
39: 2). There is the possibility that Psalms 39 and 88 are the most desolate
because there is no answer, resulting in no hope or resolution.
There are cries
of pain (Psalm 80: 4 – 7), anger (Psalm 44: 11 – 13; Psalm 44: 17 – 26),
complaint (Psalms 6 and 13), and of argument sometimes with and sometimes
against God (Psalm 22; Psalm 25; Psalm 39; Psalm 42; Psalm 43; Psalm 43; Psalm
74; Psalm 88; Psalm 90; Psalm 102).
There are many
occasions where the people would have preferred God to explain what He was
doing. The outbursts of anger toward God tends be outcomes out of frustration
because they did not know what was going on.
There are
several ways in which this can be constructive:
a.
We
are to bring our bitterness to Him so that He can dig it up and remove it
totally from our lives, leaving no root left so that it can regrow.
Job
did this when he cried out to the Lord: ‘Remember, O God, that my life is but a
breath…Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my
spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.’ (Job 7: 7, 11)
In
the midst of the struggle that Job experienced, he knew that only God could
help him. It is evident in the concluding chapter that Job did not get answers
so it was not neatly packaged. More important was the fact that Job knew God
more intently and he knew that, as a result, the present troubles and
sufferings were put in the perspective of eternity.
It
is in those moments that we can remember that we are recipients of grace. When
we forget this awesome gift that God almighty has given to our unworthy selves,
we will become ungracious to others. Henri Nouwen has written honestly: ‘But
when I forget that voice of the first unconditioned love, then those innocent
suggestions can easily start dominating my life and pull me into the “distant
country.” It is not very hard for me to know when this happening. Anger,
resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, antagonisms, and
rivalries are the obvious signs that I have left home. And that happens quite
easily. When I pay careful attention to what goes on in my mind from moment to
moment, I come to the disconcerting discovery that there are very few moments
during my day when I am really free from those dark emotions, passions, and
feelings.’[10]
b.
We
are to be open to God teaching us. The reason is that we are not malleable and
God wants us to be flexible so that we fold into His arms. It is often the
situation that we are static and immobile, standing with our arms firmly
crossed. Often it is the case that we need to restore our relationship with God
before we can forgive or be forgiven as an overflow.
It
is that being in a place so that ‘we are ready to be healed.’[11] When we have our arms open to God, we cannot
(in all honesty) remain hostile towards those He had made,
c.
We
are to rely on the powerful work of the Holy Spirit because forgiving or being
forgiving is often beyond what we are capable of. When the Holy Spirit is in
action within us, then other people can see the reaction. The work of God in
our lives will speak volumes to others so that forgiveness by or towards others
will be more genuine and effective.
Being Angry
Like God
Becky Pippert
has explained it like this: ‘Think how we feel when we see someone we love
ravaged by unwise actions or relationships. Do we respond with benign tolerance
as we would strangers? Far from it…Anger isn’t the opposite of love. Hate is,
and the final form of hate is indifference…God’s wrath is not a cranky
explosion, but his settled opposition to the cancer…which is eating out the
insides of the human race he loves with his whole being.’[12]
Mark Woods has artfully
stated: ‘Christian rage is different. It’s not hatred. It’s against wrongdoing,
not wrongdoers. It is based on compassion for the victims, and it goes hand in
hand with committed ministry to them. It strives, as far as possible, to reflect
the pure anger of God rather than the corrupted anger of human beings. And
that’s why I hope there are Christians there [at the Grenfell Tower vigils],
with crosses and dog collars as well as Socialist Worker Party placards:
because Christians are peacemakers too, and part of our role is to redeem
rage.’[13]
God gets angry
as we destroy all that He has made and, more importantly, when we prevent
people from people from worshipping Him as we were created to do. We often
believe in a passive God, but this view is not supported in the Bible:
·
‘I
feared the anger and wrath of the Lord, for He was angry enough with you to
destroy you. But again the Lord listened to me.’ (Deuteronomy 9: 19)
·
‘God
is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day.’ (Psalm 7: 11)
·
‘The
Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet
He does not leave the guilty unpunished; He punishes the children for the sin
of the parents to the third and fourth generations.’ (Numbers 14: 18)
·
‘For
His anger lasts only a moment, but His favour lasts a lifetime, weeping may
stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.’ (Psalm 20: 5)
·
‘Arise,
Lord, in your anger; rise up against the rage of my enemies. Awake, O God;
decree justice.’ (Psalm 7: 6)
Jesus is the
perfect illustration in that He was angry at the Pharisees for not wanting the
healing of the man with the withered hand on the day that they wanted, but He
was also distressed at their attitude because they were blind to the man’s
needs (Mark 3: 5). In that culture (as in the Middle East today), the right
hand was used for eating and the left one was utilised for toilet purposes. By
having a withered hand, the man could not separate the functions and so his
lifestyle was unnecessarily unhygienic. Until Jesus came along to give the man
both dignity and a hygienic lifestyle.
God has strong
views on this as the psalmist expressed: ‘The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made….The Lord watches over those who love him, but
all the wicked he will destroy. (Psalm 145; 1’7 – 20)
It is such an
urgent situation that it calls for strong emotions. Miroslav Volf described the
scenario like this: ‘If God were not angry at injustice and deception
and did not make a final end to violence – that God would not be worthy
of worship…The only means of prohibiting all recourse to violence by ourselves
is to insist that violence is legitimate only when it comes from God…My thesis
that the practice of non-violence requires a belief in divine vengeance will be
unpopular with many…in the West…[But] it takes the quiet of a suburban home for
the birth of a thesis that human non-violence [results from the belief in]
God’s refusal to judge. In a sun-scorched land, soaked in the blood of the
innocent, it will invariably die…[with] other pleasant captivities of the
liberal mind.’[14]
In another age,
William Booth, founder of Salvation Army summoned us to action: ‘”Not called!”
did you say? “Not heard the call,” I think you should say. Put your ear down to
the Bible and hear him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin. Put
your ear down to the burdened, agonised heart of humanity, and listen to their
pitiful wail for help. Go stand by the gates of hell, and hear the damned
entreat you go to their father’s house and bid their brothers and sisters and
masters not to come there. And then look Christ in the face, whose mercy you
have professed to obey, and tell him whether you will join heart and soul and
body and circumstances in the march to publish his mercy to the world.’
The problem
with so much of Christianity is that we are too nice. We do not feel aggrieved
when we hear of the injustices in our world or see its effects on the screen.
We are more content to write letters to newspapers than rally the troops in
God’s army into action. We should be like Nahum when he stated, ‘Nothing can
heal your wound, your injury is fatal. Everyone who hears the news about you
claps his hands at your fall, for who has not felt your endless cruelty?’
(Nahum 3: 19)
We are not to
let our emotions run away, out of control, otherwise we will not be
demonstrating God’s heart but will be showing our weakness instead. We are told
that Jesus cleansed the temple so that the moneychangers and the other
swindlers were removed twice during His ministry (John 2: 12 – 17 then Matthew
21: 12 – 13; Mark 11: 15 – 17). It is interesting to note that none of the
passages mention that Jesus was outwardly angry, which was probably more scary
for those traders who were preventing people from worshipping and fleecing
others who wanted to make an acceptable sacrifice to God, in that Jesus could
not be said to be acting out of a sense of pique. The word ‘meek’ that often
describes Him literally means ‘strength under control,’ which is precisely what
Jesus demonstrated. His actions were probably motivated by sorrow, remorse that
He had to take the action, and a desire to bring people back to acting and
thinking how God wanted them to.
In being angry
at inequalities and injustice, we need to ensure that our words are measured
and accurate. There is imperative that we check our facts and choose our words
with complete carefulness. David reminds us that ‘In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.’ (Psalm 4: 4) His
son Solomon advises us: ‘A patient man has great understanding; but a
quick-tempered man displays folly.’ (Proverbs 14: 29)
In 1
Corinthians 13: 4, we are told that love is patient, which literally means
‘coming to the boil.’ In other words, we need to be like Jesus, who is patient
in His dealings with us. Love is also described as not keeping record of wrongs
(v. 5), which demonstrates that our thoughts, words and deeds are removed as
far as east is from the west.(Psalm 103: 12) If we keep a list of what people
have said or done to us (especially if it has caused relationships to be
fractured) then we are acting contrary to what Jesus calls us to do, and how He
reacted to others and continues to act towards us now.
These words are
particularly apt as we seek to reflect God to our world: ‘If anyone considers
himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives
himself and his religion is worthless.’ (James 1: 26)
We would do
well to pray this Celtic blessing:
May God bless
you with the restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths, and
superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep in
your heart.
May God bless
you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so
that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, peace among all people.
May God bless
you with the gift of tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection,
starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out
your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May God bless
you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in
this world, so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim
cannot be done.
Forgiveness
We should be
people who forgive as we need to recognise that we require forgiveness from
others. We may want to hung onto our sense of injustice that we carry within
ourselves, but we have to let it go at the foot of the cross.
Desmond Tutu
and his daughter Mpho have helpfully stated that forgiveness is not weakness,
nor it a subversion of justice or not forgetting what has happened. They state
clearly: ‘Are you hurt and suffering? Is the injury new, or is it an old
unhealed wound? Know that what was done to you was wrong, unfair, and
undeserved. You are right to be outraged. And it is perfectly normal to want to
hurt back when you have been hurt. But hurting back rarely satisfies. We think
it will, but it doesn’t. If I slap you back after you slap me, it does not
lessen the sting I feel on my own face, nor does it diminish my sadness as to
the fact that you have struck me. Retaliation gives, at best, only momentary
respite from our pain. The only way to experience healing and peace is to
forgive. Until we forgive, we remain locked out of the possibility of
experiencing healing and freedom, locked out of the possibility of peace.’[15]
It is reported
that The Times posed the question: ‘What’s wrong with the world today?’ The
novelist G K Chesterton replied, ‘Dear Sir, I am. Yours, G K Chesterton.’
A man once
commented to John Wesley that ‘I never forgive.’ To which, the great preacher
responded, ‘Then, sir, I hope that you never sin.’
When we are
tempted to take out our retribution or retaliation, we need to step back and
remember, ‘While we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the
death of his Son.’ (Romans 5: 10)
Paul Boese
stated: ‘Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.’
Instead of
trying to get our own back, which inevitably fails because we are never truly
satisfied, we have to remember that God has made us new creations and, as a
consequence, ‘All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ
and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that the world to himself through
Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us this
message of reconciliation.’ (2 Corinthians 5: 18 – 19)
An example of
this is the preaching of Dr Martin Luther King Jr who, when preaching to a
congregation in Alabama in 1957, told them to fight against the temptation to
retaliate against a society ingrained with the sin of racism. He said to the
people, ‘How do you go about loving your enemies? Begin with yourself…When the
opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the time
which you must not do it.’
Holding onto
anger means that we are carrying burdens that we are meant to set down or,
better still, throw into a lake whose depth would make impossible for us to
retrieve. If we retain those grudges, our vision will be impaired in that we
will never be able to see issues from another person’s perspective[16]. The reason is that we
will become so inward looking and egocentric, thinking that the world and its
accompanying mindset is centred on us and that it owes us.
It also means
that we are more likely to suffer from chronic illnesses, such as inflammation
and other illness, especially as we get older[17]. It is sad to see an
older person hanging onto a grudge or an anger issue and so, as a result,
experience illnesses and disabilities that are avoidable.
Jesus set us a
high standard: ‘You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for an eye, tooth for a
tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on
the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and
take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go
one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn
away from the one who wants to borrow from you.’ (Matthew 5: 38 – 42)
Peter
Chrysologus, the archbishop of Ravenna (d. 450 AD), stated: ‘Forgive us our
debts as we forgive our debtors. By these words, O man, you have set the
manner and measure of forgiveness to yourself. You ask the Lord to forgive you
exactly as much as you forgive your fellow servant. Therefore, forgive the
whole offence to the one who wrongs you if you yourself wish to be liable to
the Lord for nothing because of your sins. For your own sake be forgiving in
the case of another person.’
Another
Christian of the same era, Valerian of Cimelium (Cimiez) (d, 460 AD), wrote:
‘Let [18]each one forgive his
brother from his heart. Let no one harbour a grudge; let no one seek revenge
with unrelenting anger. Let your conversation with your enemy be always
courteous and faultless. Let detractions cease, and also quarrels. Thus will
your enemy be loved by you, if you are not always adding a reason for him to
flare up in anger.’
It seems almost
impossible but God is asking for us to take the initiative, even but especially
if we are the one that has been wronged. He may be seeming to tell us to do the
impossible, but He will give us the power and grace to do it. Desmond Tutu
explained the situation: ‘Because forgiveness is like this: a room can be dank
because you have closed the windrows, you’ve closed the curtains. But the sun
is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh
air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart.’
Nancy Leigh
DeMoss wrote perceptibly when drawing out a lesson from John 10: 28: ‘We so
often find ourselves chafing against second causes – those people,
circumstances and events that seem to be wrecking our lives, making things so
difficult and unbearable for us. But ultimately, we are not in the hands of
other people and their sinful desires. We are not in the hands of chance or
circumstance.’ She continued that, because of the sacrifice of Jesus and the
forgiveness that He had possible, we can experience salvation and the reality
that no-one can snatch us out of His hands.
Pastor Erik
Fitzgerald’s wife was killed in a tragic accident whilst she was driving home,
the other driver being an exhausted firefighter who fell asleep at the wheel
whilst he too was homeward bound. The grieving husband responded, ‘In moments
where tragedy happens or even hurt, there are opportunities to demonstrate
grace or exact vengeance.’ Where the legal prosecutors were wanting to know if
he was seeking the maximum sentence, the pastor chose to practice the grace
that he had received from Jesus. To the surprise of the two men in the centre
of the situation, the pastor and the firefighter eventually became friends.
This example
illustrates what Oswald Chambers had written: ‘The knowledge that God has loved
me beyond all limits will compel me to go into the world to love others in the
same way.’
An example of
this attitude is that a white supremacist leader, Johnny Lee Clary of the Klux
Klan (KKK), met African-American pastor Reverend Wade Watts at a radio station
debate. Wade Watts commenced by saying, “ Hello Mr Clary. I just want you to
know that I love you and that Jesus loves you.”
The ensuing
debate was intense with Clary arguing that whites and blacks should live
separately, whereas Watts refuted each argument with scripture. Watts stated
powerfully, “Nothing you can do can make me hate you. I’m going to love you and
pray for you whether you like it or not!”
After the radio
station debate, the windows of Wade Watts’ house were broken and effigies were
torched on his lawn. The KKK burned down one of Watts’ churches and arsoned
another one. However, the Reverend refused to retaliate still.
An interesting
by-line was Johnny Lee Clary’s life imploded later and he cried out to God to
come into his life. One day, he phones Wade Watts to tell him the news. The
reaction of the Reverend was, “How about you preach your very first time in my
all-black church!” The result was that the former enemy spoke in the very
church that he had once attempted to
burn down.
It is
Christianity that provides this unique perspective on forgiveness, as it
proclaims that God came down to provide forgiveness to us. It is interesting
that the concept of forgiveness is not included in the Quran, for example. As
an anonymous missionary once stated, there are many comparable religions, but
Christianity is not one of them.
In Life
Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer reminded us: ‘The first service one
owes to others in community involves listening to them. Just as our love for
God begins with listening to God’s Word, the beginning of love for other
Christians is learning to listen to them…Christians who can no longer listen to
one another will soon no longer be listening to God either; they will always be
talking even in the presence of God. The death of the spiritual life starts
here, and in the end there is nothing left but empty spiritual chatter and
clerical condescension which chokes on pious words.’
It provides the
generosity of spirit that is unique in the world. The story is told of a man
approaching the great Methodist preacher John Wesley on his death bed. The man
asked the preacher whether he would expect to see George Whitfield, a man with
whom he had great theological differences, in heaven. Oh no, John Wesley
pronounced, George Whitfield would be much closer to the throne of God.
As John
Onwuchekwa remind us: ‘You can’t shout about God’s forgiveness if you’re stingy
with your own.’[19]
There is the
necessity to reclaim language that has been misappropriated. The positive words
like ‘nurse’ and ‘harbour’ used to mean that we were safe and sound; but the
meanings have changed with the affixation of words like ‘grudge’ afterwards. We
need to claim back what is positive and true, and face off those who would
negate the true meanings of such good words with their negativity.
It is not to
say that to be people of peace and forgiveness will be easy. Paul recognised
that when he wrote: ‘We urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the
fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.’ (1 Thessalonians 5: 14)
Mostly anger does not come from a place of strength but out of fear and
antipathy. It does not mean that we respond with like behaviour but to rely on
the Holy Spirit so that we can gently challenge and walk with them as they
change.
Everett L
Worthington Jr has commented: ‘It takes more courage to forgive than to hold a
grudge. If I hold a grudge because I am angry, I feel strong. But to set anger
aside takes real strength.’
In Free of
Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Cultural Stripped of Grace, Miroslav
Volf, the Yale theologian, wrote: ‘Condemnation is not the heart of
forgiveness. It’s the indispensable presupposition of it.’ Forgiveness that
does not count the offence as serious is cheap and fraudulent. He commented
that authentic forgiveness ‘cuts the tie of equivalence between the offence and
the way we treat the offender. I don’t demand that the one who has taken my eye
lose his eye or that the one who has killed my child by negligence be killed.
In fact, I don’t demand that he lose anything. I forgo all retribution. In
forgiving, I absorb the injury – the way I may absorb, say, the financial
impact of a bad business transaction.’
We need to
learn how to use our words and the tone in which we use them. The Bible informs
us that ‘A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’
(Proverbs 15: 1) It means that we are to take time out to measure out our
reaction, which is a direct challenge in this busy, unthinking world. It is an opportunity to embrace those people
who hold different views to ourselves, and react how Jesus would want us to do.
The situation, instead of being incendiary, can be a time of reconciliation. We
should be counter-cultural people in not looking for revenge and out for
ourselves;
We should
challenge ourselves as to the type of words that come from our mouths and the
way that we might deploy them. It is always good to place ourselves in the
other person’s shoes and think how we would feel in receiving the response that
we would be delivering. There are some circumstances that we should not respond
at all – ‘A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an
offence.’ (Proverbs 19: 11)
The Bible calls
us not to be judgemental but to lovingly restore people to how God wants them
to live:
·
‘Brothers,
if anyone is caught in any transgression’ – such as being angry or being
unforgiving – ‘you who ae spiritual should restore him in a spirit of
gentleness. Keep watch over yourself, lest you too be tempted.’ (Galatians 6:
1)
·
‘Brothers,
if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him
know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul
from death and will cover a multitude of sins.’ (James 5: 19 – 20)
·
‘If
you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive
you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your
Father forgive your trespasses.’ (Matthew 6: 14) If we are struggling to
forgive another person, it is because we are looking down on them.
It is
reminiscent of the mother who approached Napoleon, pleading for pardon for her
son. The emperor responded that the son had committed the same offence twice
and therefore justice demanded the death sentence.
The mother
explained,’ But I don’t ask for justice. I plead for mercy.’
Napoleon replied, ‘But your son doesn’t
deserve mercy.’
The woman
cried, ‘Sir, it would not be mercy if he deserved it, and mercy is all I ask
for.’
‘Well, then,’
was the retort of the emperor,’ I will have mercy.’ The outcome was that he
spared the woman’s son.
Researchers
from the Royal Holloway College in London and the University of Oxford have
observed that Roman Catholic people were more generous after attending absolution.
It was this sense that they were guilty but had been forgiven much.
Dr Ryan McKay
of the Royal Holloway commented; ‘Recent evidence has suggested that people are
more likely to behave pro-socially, such as helping, sharing, donating,
co-operating and volunteering, when they feel guilty.
‘This raises
the question of whether religious rituals of absolution, in which people are
absolved of their sins and released from guilt, would actually make people less
social.’
‘However, the
results of our study suggests the opposite – that ‘releasing’ people from their
sin has a positive pro-social effect.’[20]
It is a matter
of taking responsibility in forgiving others. It could be that it was your
actions or words that caused the offence in the first place. When we learn from
our errors, mistakes and sins, we will grow in our spiritual, moral and
emotional states. ‘For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises
again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.’ (Proverbs 24: 16)
One of the ways
that we can respond in the appropriate way is to ensure that we get the correct
amount of sleep. Studies[21] have indicated that a
reduction in sleep can lower our empathy towards others as parts of the brain
that have this understanding are impaired by the lack of sleep. The result is
that we are not understanding what the other person feels or wants, which would
exasperate the situation.
A useful
process is in the four steps of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, used
by South Africa’s retired Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu, that were
recommended by the independent advisory group. The process included telling the
story, naming the hurts, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the
relationship.
We need to
remember:
a.
Forgiveness
should be an essential part of who we are
Nikolaevich
Tolstoy wrote: ‘Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace.’
A more modern
writer, Maya Angelou, stated: ‘It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give
yourself. Forgive everybody.’
Alan Paton, the
author of Cry, the Beloved Country, wrote: ‘Where a deep injury is done
to us, we never recover until we forgive.’
A four year-old
girl asked her father, a surgeon, how the heart worked. With great pride, he
draw her a diagram with the veins and arteries. When he had finished, she
responded, ‘Where does the love go in?’
It could be
that there could be an element of the other person being right. As Venerable
Glidas the Wise (d. 570 AD) said: ‘A wise man recognises the gleam of truth,
whoever utters it.’
Viktor E Frankl,
who was a Holocaust survivor, wrote in his book Man’s Search for Meaning:
‘Everything can be taken from a man but one thing you cannot take from me is
the way I choose to respond to what you do to me, The last of one’s freedoms is
to choose one’s attitude to any given circumstances.’
Nelson Mandela
spoke from his own experience, ‘No one is born hating another person because of
the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn
to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human
heart than its opposite.’
It is important
that forgiveness should come from the heart (Matthew 18: 38) Annie Lamott has
compared faking grace to drinking rat poison yourself and then waiting for the
rat to die. Another way of describing false grace by Martin Luther King Jr is
as ‘adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.’
The narrative
is told of how, at their first meeting, Edwin Stanton snubbed US President
Abraham Lincoln personally and professionally. Stanton even went as far as to
refer to Lincoln as a ‘long-armed creature.’ However, Lincoln appreciated
Stanton’s abilities and chose to forgive him, with the result that Stanton
eventually was appointed to a vital cabinet position during the US Civil War.
Stanton later grew to love Lincoln as a friend. It was Stanton who sat by
Lincoln’s bed throughout the night after the president was shot at Ford’s
Theatre. When Lincoln died, Stanton whispered through his tears,’ ‘Now he
belongs to the ages.’
Forgiveness is
an ongoing process, that needs to repeated throughout our life. When Peter asks
Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother, the Lord replied, ‘ I tell
you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.’ (Matthew 18: 21) It does not
mean that we should count up to 490 and then give up on forgiving. In the Bible,
the number seven symbolises perfection so we are to forgive to the point of
perfection. It is also seen in the concept of jubilee, the time when debts were
written off, which occurs every seven years (Leviticus 25: 4 – 7) and then, in
addition, every 49 years (vv. 8 – 10), so 7 x 7 represents total forgiveness.
b.
Forgiveness
does not mean forgetting
Dr Ken Hart
commented: ‘Forgiveness does not equal to forgetting. It is about healing the
memory of the harm, not erasing it.’
In Free of
Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, Miroslave Volf
spoke of the fact that, although may be forgiven, the consequences will still
have to be faced, such as criminals will still be punished through jail or
other means, or church workers will be dismissed from their posts. He writes
from experience as his family suffered under communism and his brother died in
a preventable accident. He wrote: ‘Forgiveness places us on a boundary between
enmity and friendship, between exclusion and embrace. It tears down the wall of
hostility that wrongdoing erects, but it doesn’t take us into the territory of
friendship.’
He conceded:
‘Often, that’s all we can muster the strength to do, and all that offenders
will allow us. Yet at its best, forgiveness hopes for more.’
W Paul Young
has explained it in The Shack: ‘Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It
is about letting go of another person’s throat.’
The bitterness
that remains in our hearts if we refuse to forgive will affect us more than the
person who has offended us. Lee Strobel commented, ‘Acrid bitterness inevitably
seeps into the lives of people who harbour grudges and suppress anger, and
bitterness is always a poison. It keeps your pain alive instead of letting you
deal with it and get beyond it.
Bitterness sentences you to relive the hurt
over and over.’ It is a sentiment that is echoed in the Bantou proverb, ‘The bitter heart eats his
owner.’
c.
Forgiveness
will cost you and the other person
Desmond Tutu
pointed out: ‘Forgiveness says you are giving another chance to make a new
beginning.’
Dietrich
Bonhoeffer remarked: ‘Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without
requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without
confession, absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace
without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ,
living and incarnate.’
Wisely, C K
Chesterton has reminded us that ‘The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and
also to love our enemies, probably because generally they are the same people.’
The
sixteenth-century priest and poet, George Herbert, wrote: ‘He who cannot
forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.’
There will be
something of ourselves that will have to go as the very act of forgiveness is
an act of humility. To keep hold of anger and resentment is an evidence of
pride, a badge of ‘honour’ to show to others that we have been wronged. To let
go of that badge is to demonstrate an element of God-given attribute that we
are exhibit to others. Henri Nouwen tells of his own personal struggles: ‘It is
through constant forgiveness that we become like the Father. Forgiveness from
the heart is very, very difficult…I have often said, “I forgive you,” but as I
said those words my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear
the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear
apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise
in return – if only the praise for being so forgiving!’ [22]
d.
Forgiveness
has already cost God
C Scott Grow
has put forgiveness into perspective: ‘Ask God for forgiveness. Seek
forgiveness from those you have wronged. Forgive those who have wronged you.
Forgive yourself.’
We are to
remember to ‘Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’ (Colossians 3: 13) The response
should be that there is no alternative for, as the disciples exclaimed, ‘Lord,
to whom shall we go?’ (John 6: 68)
Oswald Chambers
commented: ‘The forgiveness of God is the test by which I myself am judged.’
It is apparent
from the gospels that Jesus suffered the greatest harms from those who were
angry and fearful of Him. ‘When he was reviled, he did not revile in return;
when he suffered, he did not threaten but continued entrusting himself to him
who judges justly.’ (1 Peter 2: 23)
We are given this example so that, as His
followers, we would respond in a similar manner: ‘You have been called because
Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in
his steps.’ (1 Peter 2: 21)
As Jesus died
so that we can be forgiven, we are called upon to seek that forgiveness:
·
‘With
you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.’ (Psalm 130: 4)
·
‘Seek
the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near; let the wicked
forsake his way; and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the
Lord, that he may have compassion on him; and to our God, for he will
abundantly pardon.’ (Isaiah 55: 6 – 7)
·
‘If
we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse
us from all unrighteousness.’ (1 John 1: 9)
·
‘To
him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives
forgiveness of sins through his name.’ (Acts 10: 43)
When we look at
ourselves, we are but a weak shadow in the most magnanimous of situations
compared to the incomparable love that God has already shown to us. Paul put it
into perspective, ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each
other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’ (Ephesians 4: 32)
Michelle Nelson
tells of three degrees or different types of forgiveness. The three categories
are a) Detached forgiveness – where there is reduction in negative
feelings towards the offender, but no reconciliation has taken place; b) Limited
forgiveness – which is a reduction in negative feelings towards the
offender, a partial relationship is restored with them, and there is also a
decrease in emotional intensity in the relationship; and c) Full forgiveness
– which is a total cessation of negative feelings towards the offender, and the
relationship is restored and grows.
The hardest one
to accomplish is when we have to forgive, even though the other person may not
show any desire to be reconciled. Indeed, Jesus said that we are to stop our
worship of God in order to speak to the other person (Matthew 5: 21 – 36) The Bible encourages us to seek out the other
person in private initially (Matthew 18: 15 – 20) so that both people can know
God’s blessing as He seeks to restore both. It is a witness to a watching world
if Christians can resolve their differences in a godly way (John 17: 23).
It is important
to differentiate between what is forgiveness and what is reconciliation as the
former emphasises the offence and requires no relationship contrasted to the
latter which requires two people in step with each other in a relationship. The
principle of reconciliation can be observed in Amos 3: 3 – ‘Do two walk
together unless they agree to do so?’
The differences
can be laid out as following:[23]
Ø
Forgiveness
can be given by one person.
o
Reconciliation
requires at least two people.
Ø
Forgiveness
is extended in one direction.
o
Reconciliation
is reciprocal, involving a two-way direction.
Ø
Forgiveness
is a decision to release the offender.
o
Reconciliation
is the effort to re-join the offender.
Ø
Forgiveness
involves a change in thinking about the offender.
o
Reconciliation
involves a change in behaviour by the offender.
Ø
Forgiveness
is a free gift to the one who has broken trust.
o
Reconciliation
is a restored relationship based on restored trust.
Ø
Forgiveness
is extended even if it is never, ever earned.
o
Reconciliation
is offered to the offender because it is earned.
Ø
Forgiveness
is unconditional, regardless of a lack of repentance.
o
Reconciliation
is conditional and is based on repentance.
It is possible
to forgive the person who has offended you, but it is impossible to reconcile
with someone who remains unchanged and is unwilling to be reconciled. The Bible
tells us, ‘Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with
one easily angered.’ (Proverbs 22: 24)
It is a
universal truth that it is better to deal with the issue, rather than to let it
fester. Marcus Aurelius spoke of forgiving people because life is too short:
‘To feel affection for people even when they make mistakes is uniquely human.
You can do it, if you simply recognise that they’re human too, that they act
out of ignorance, against their will, and that you’ll both be dead before
long.’
Archbishop William
Temple commented,’ It is not easy to find outstanding opportunities for
practising this great virtue of forgiveness. But there are plenty of little
ones, and the little ones test us more searchingly because there is nothing
heroic about them. It is always easier to do one big heroic thing than a
thousand little, obscure things; and that is what it has to be with most of
us.’
We need to be
honest enough if we need to ask for forgiveness. Clement, bishop of Rome (d.
101 AD), said: ‘Whatever our transgressions and whatever we have done through
the attacks of the adversary, let us pray that they may be forgiven…It is good
for a man to confess his failings rather than harden his heart.
Later on,
Ambrose of Milan (d. 397 AD) commented: ‘For true repentance is grief of heart
and sorrow of soul because of the evils a man has committed. True repentance
causes us to grieve over our offences, and to grieve over them with the firm
intention of never committing them again.’
We are reminded
that we have been forgiven much as our lives were bound up in our identities as
enemies of God, so we should forgive others whose trespasses against us would
be trivial in comparison. Paul reminds us: ‘Bear with each other and forgive
whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord
forgave us. And over all these virtues put on
love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.’ (Colossians 3: 13
– 14) The reason for this command is found in the previous verse: ‘As God’s
chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.’ (v. 12)
If we are loved
by the great and loving God, we are to demonstrate our gratitude in that we
‘are to love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.’
(1 Peter 4: 8) In this light, it is why Jesus taught us to say in what is often
called the Lord’s Prayer: ‘Forgive our debt, as we have forgiven our debtors.’
(Matthew 6: 12) Tom Wright has commented astutely: ‘That isn’t a bargain we
make with God. It’s a fact of human life. Not to forgive is to shut down a
faculty in the innermost person, which is the same faculty that can receive
God’s forgiveness. It also happens to be the same faculty that can experience
real joy and real grief. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things.’[24]
The prophet
Isaiah marvelled at God’s mercy when the Lord reminded him: ‘I have swept away
your offences like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for
I have redeemed you.’ (Isaiah 44: 22)
It is not the
only passage to demonstrate God’s magnanimity:
·
‘But
with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.’ (Psalm 130: 4)
·
‘Seek
the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked
forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the
Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will
abundantly pardon.’ (Isaiah 55: 6 – 7)
·
‘If
we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse
us from all unrighteousness.’ (1 John 1: 9)
·
‘To
him all prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives
forgiveness of sins through his name.’ (Acts 10: 43)
C S Lewis put
it succinctly when he stated, ‘To be a Christian means to forgive the
inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.’[25]
He has
developed this thought as God sees the bigger picture: ‘That is one way in
which God’s view must differ from mine. He sees all the characters; I see all
except my own. But the second difference is this. He love the people in despite
of their faults. He goes on loving. He does not let go.’[26]
When we know
God in a personal way, we should be expecting to respond to others as He does.
God does not want strife for ‘When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he
causes their enemies to make peace with them.’ (Proverbs 16: 2)
Ven Elizabeth
Adekunle speaking as part of the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Thy Kingdom Come initiative in 2017, made the point: ‘I’d
also like to encourage us today to ask for God’s forgiveness; to come to God
when we have made mistakes and to say sorry. To come to God in humility.
Because the truth is we do make mistakes. We offend God and we offend others.
And Jesus speaks quite a lot about forgiveness in the Bible, and that when we
come in forgiveness we are embraced and forgiven and loved because of that.’
There is the
equivalence demonstrated in Jesus’ parable of the two debtors (Luke 7: 41 –
50), where it has been shown that we should forgive others as God the King has
already forgiven us. James gives us a stern warning: ‘because judgement without
mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over
judgement!’ (James 2: 13)
In the parable
spoken by Jesus in Matthew’s gospel, Christ gave the starkest warning if we do
not forgive others, we will face the judgement of God (Matthew 18: 23 – 34)
Indeed, we show that we are children of God if we demonstrate our obedience to
His commands, including that to forgive – ‘We know that we have come to know
him if we obey his commands.’ (1 John 2: 3) For we are called to ‘Do all that
you can to live in peace with everyone.’ (Romans 12: 18)
We should, by
the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, seek to live as He wants us to – reflecting
the words of Joshua: ‘as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.’
(Joshua 24: 15)
In conclusion,
it is worth recounting how anger and forgiveness works its way into our lives.
During the Second World War, Corrie Ten Boon and her family were arrested as
they had been hiding Jewish people from the Nazis. She and her sister Bessie
were sent to Ravensbruck, one of the Nazi death camps. It was in this camp that
corrie watched Bessie and others die,
After the war,
in 1947, Corrie returned to Germany to preach the Gospel. In one of her meetings, she spoke about the
forgiveness of God. After her talk, there was a long line of people waiting to
talk to her. In this line, she saw a horribly familiar face, belonging to one
of the cruellest guards in the camp. As she observed him, a myriad of terrible
memories flooded her mind. The man came up to her and held out his hand,
saying, “A fine message, Fraulein. How good it is to know that all our sins are
at the bottom of the sea.”
Corrie did not
take his hand but fumbled in her purse. She froze as she did not know what to
do – she had recognised him, but he had not evidently recognised her as she was
one among many thousands in that camp. He then said, “You mentioned
Ravensbruck. I was a guard there. But since then, I have become a Christian. I
know God has forgiven the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it
from your lips as well.” He held out his hand again: “Fraulein, will you
forgive me?”
Her hand would
not move, but she knew that God wanted her to forgive the former guard. The
most that she could do was to pray inwardly: “Jesus, help me. I can lift up my
hand, but You’ll have to do the rest.” She raised her hand to greet his in a
mechanical manner out of obedience and faith, not out of love. However, even in
this small act, she experienced God’s transforming grace. She wrote: ‘”I
forgive you, brother!” I cried. “With all my heart!” For a long moment we
grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had
never known God’s love so intensely, as I did then. But even then, I realised
it was not my love. I had tried, and did not have the power. It was the power
of the Holy Spirit.’[27]
Appendix –
How much more
This song
was one that I used to sing when I was growing up – it seemed as though our
independent church and the Salvation Army were the only ones proclaiming its
truths.
If human hearts
are often tender,
And human minds
can pity know,
If human love
is touched with splendour,
And human hands
compassion show,
Chorus:
Then how much
more shall God our Father
In love
forgive!
Then how much
more shall God our Father
Our wants
supply.
If sometimes
men can live for others,
And sometimes
give where gifts are spurned,
If sometimes
treat their foes as brothers,
And love where
love is not returned.
Chorus
If men will
often share their gladness,
If men respond
when children cry,
If men can feel
each other’s sadness,
Each other’s
tears attempt to dry,
Chorus
[1]
For example, an excellent book on forgiveness is R T Kendall, Total
Forgiveness (Hodder & Stoughton, London, 2001)
[2]
Andrew Wommack, Self-Centredness: The Source of All Grief (Andrew
Wommack Ministries inc, Colorado Springs, 2012)
[3]
These can be found at Care for the Family, ‘What you need to know about anger’
[4]
Steven Pinker, ‘The Brain: The Mystery of Consciousness,’ Time, 29
January 2007
[5]
‘ABC Morning News,’ 15 March 1996
[6]
The majority of these statistics, unless indicated, can be found at www.angermanage.co.uk/data.hmtl
[9] C
S Lewis, The Business of Heaven (Harcourt, San Diego, California, 1984)
p. 62
[10]
Henri J M Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son – A Story of Homecoming
(Darton, Longman and Todd, New York, 2003) p. 41
[11]
Lewis Smedes, The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don’t Know
How (Ballantine Books, New York, 1996) p. 178
[12]
Rebecca Pippert, Hope Has Its Reasons (Harper, 1990), Chapter 4 ‘What
Kind of God Gets Angry?’
[13]
Mark Wood, ‘Rage for Grenfell Tower? It’s very Christian,’ Christian Today,
21 June 2017,
htps://www.christiantoday.com/article/rage.for.grenfell.tower.its.very.christian/110113.htm
[14]
Miroslav Volf, Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity,
Otherness, and Reconciliation (Abingdon, 1996) pp. 303 - 304
[15]
Desmond and Mpho Tutu, The Book of Forgiving , p 16
[16]
Jeremy A Yip and Maurice E Schweitzer, ‘Losing your temper and your
perspective: Anger reduces perspective-taking, ‘ Organizational Behavior and
Human Decision Processes, January 2019, volume 150: 28 – 45 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0749597816308172
[17]
Meaghan A Barlow, Carsten Wrosch, Jean-Philippe Gouin and Ute Kunzman, ‘Is
anger, but not sadness, associated with chronic inflammation and illness in
older adulthood?’ Psychology and Ageing, 2009, 34 (3): 330 – 340 https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/pag-pag0000348.pdf
[18]
Nancy Leigh DeMoss, The Quiet Place (Moody Publishers, Chicago, 2012) p.
21
[19]
John Onwuchekwa, Prayer: Praying Together Shapes the Church (Crossway,
2018) p. 83
[20]
John Bingham, ‘Being ‘forgiven’ makes people more generous, psychologists
find,’ Daily Telegraph, 6 December 2012,
http:/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/9727182/Being-forgiven-makes-people-more-generous-psychologists-find.html
[21]
Veronica Guadagni, Ford Burles, Michele Ferrara and Giuseppe Iaria, ‘The
effects of sleep deprivation on emotional empathy,’ Journal of Sleep
Research, December 2014, 23 (6): 657 - 663 https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jsr.12192
[22]
Henri J M Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son – A Story of Homecoming
(Darton, Longman and Todd, New York, 2003) p. 129
[23] Anger
Minibook, Rose Publishing
[24]
Tom Wright, Surprised by Hope (Society for Promoting Christian
Knowledge, London, 2007), pp. 301 - 302
[25] C
S Lewis, ‘On Forgiveness in Essay Collection
and Other Short Pieces ed Lesley Walmsley (Harper Collins, London,
2000) pp 184 - 186
[26] C
S Lewis, God in the Dock (Fount Paperbacks, London, 1979) p. 77
[27]
Corrie ten Boom with Jamie Buckingham, Tramp for the Lord (Christian
Literature Crusade, Fort Washington, Pennsylvania, 1974) p. 57
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