A study by the
psychologist Arthur Aron explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be
accelerated by them asking each other a specific series of personal questions. The
thirty-six questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set
intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is
that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. The study’s authors state: ‘One
key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers
is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.’ Allowing
oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so
this exercise forces the issue.
It may be
emphasised on this blog that the Holy Spirit is to be involved, although the original
study did not include the spiritual aspect in its formulation of the questions.
Set 1
1.
Given
the choices of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest.
2.
Would
you like to be famous? In what way?
3.
Before
making a telephone call, do you rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4.
What
would you constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5.
When
did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6.
If
you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a
30 year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7.
Do
you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8.
Name
three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9.
For
what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the
way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner
your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having
gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set 2
13. If the Holy Spirit told you the truth
about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to
know? [I have altered this question as it was originally about a crystal ball.]
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed
of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of
your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would
die suddenly, would you change the way about you are now living?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection mean to
you?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider
a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items each.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do
you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do feel about your relationship with
your mother?
Set 3
25. Make
three true ‘we’ statements each. For instance, ‘We are both in this room
feeling…’
26. Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had
someone with whom I could share…’
27. If you were going to become a close
friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to
know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about
them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone
you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment
in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of
another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you
like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be
joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no
opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having
told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you
own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose
death would you find most disturbing?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s
advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back
to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Now stare into
each other’s eyes for four minutes.
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